IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems to being overweight is increasing. What is the reason for the growth in over-weight people in the society? How can this problem be solved?

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It is often considered that many
population
Change to a plural noun
populations
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who
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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are at risk of detrimental health issues
is
Unnecessary verb
apply
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because of overweight increasing.
Thus
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,
this
Linking Words
 essay will elaborate on the reason for the rise in weight and the solution which
further
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 leads to a logical conclusion.
Commenicng
Correct your spelling
Commencing
, the contemporary era consists of various kinds of fast foods which is attracted by the youngsters
although
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 they are
also
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 fond of eating these junkies.
Moreover
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, the coming generation
have
Change the verb form
has
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 all kinds of benefits, so they don't have to work hard and
additionally
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, they are not doing any workouts.
For example
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, "The
times
Capitalize word
Times
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 of India" a newspaper illustrates the story of Anant who is the son of famous businessman Anil Ambani. He suffers from obesity and all reasons
revolves
Change the verb form
revolve
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 around
the
Correct article usage
apply
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weight gain. Probing ahead, there are manyfold solutions that are essential for everyone to follow in their daily lifestyles for a healthy and fit figure. First and foremost, the masses should make a routine to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
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exercise daily and indulge in
the
Correct article usage
apply
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sport
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sports
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 activities which enhance
the
Correct article usage
apply
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body movements.
Futhermore
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Furthermore
, the habit of consuming junk food items should be reduced
along with
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 the increase
of
Change preposition
in
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healty
Correct your spelling
healthy
 diet intake.
For instance
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, in Japan, the popular actor was too fat in the
last
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 year, but now recently he
loses
Wrong verb form
has lost
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 about 20 kg weight in just four
month
Change to a plural noun
months
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. In a nutshell,
a humankind
Correct your spelling
humans
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 should do exercise on a daily basis
along with
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 various kinds of sports.
Instead
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 of consuming street food, they should prefer to cook their meal by themselves which is good for their health and offers an attractive look.

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task response
Ensure that your essay remains focused on the question asked throughout. Both the reasons for weight gain and solutions to it were addressed but could be more directly linked to the question's scope.
coherence and cohesion
Improve essay structure by clearly separating your points into distinct paragraphs with one main idea each. This helps in maintaining logical flow and clarity.
coherence and cohesion
Provide clearer and more varied transitions between sentences and paragraphs. This aids in improving the overall readability of your essay.
task response
Support your main points with more specific and varied examples. While personal or known examples are good, using a wider range of evidence strengthens your argument.
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