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Band 6.5

Individual greed and selfishness has been the basis of the modern society. Some people think that we must return to the older and more traditional values of respect for the family and the local community in order to create a better world to live in. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#selfishness #basis #society #people #values #respect #community #world
Nowadays, lots of
people
Correct your spelling
tend
show examples
trend
Correct your spelling
tend
show examples
 to care about things of themselves. Some
people
 believe that traditional
society
 is better.
However
, whether or not
return
Fix the infinitive
to return
show examples
 to the older values of respect for the family and community is a controversial issue. I deeply disagree with
this
 idea. It is clear that the current
society
 is more
activity
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active
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 than before.
That
is
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apply
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means that with improving technology,
human’s
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human
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 life is better than before.
People
 who
living
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live
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 in
this
world
 can feel more
convenience
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convenient
show examples
, safe and happy.
For example
,
people
 can buy everything they want at home without
go
Wrong verb form
going
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 to the supermarket.
People
 can travel
to
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apply
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everywhere in one day.
People
also
 can make an appointment with a doctor
by
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via
show examples
internet
Correct article usage
the internet
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.
Therefore
, nowadays, the
world
 that all the
people
 living in is better than the old
society
. Maybe nobody
want
Change the verb form
wants
show examples
 to return to the old one.
Moreover
,
people
 need to care about their own things.
Such
 as jobs, environment and family. Since they are living in a full of
competitive
Add an article
the competitive
a competitive
show examples
world
. Especially young
people
 who have strong pressure.
This
 not means
people
 are individual
greed
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greedy
show examples
 and
selfishness
Replace the word
selfish
show examples
. Lots of
people
 like to deliver aid to others when they really need help.
For instance
, Japan happened an earthquake in 2011,
a
Correct word choice
and a
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lot of
people
 around
world
Add an article
the world
show examples
 sent
foods
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food
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 and water to Japan. The traditional values
shows
Change the verb form
show
show examples
 respect for the family and community, but too
much
Change the quantifier
many
show examples
 rules lat the
society
 cannot improve. In conclusion,
although
 the older and more traditional values have
Correct article usage
an advantage
show examples
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
espect
Correct your spelling
aspect
. We should look forward and believe with technology increasing and higher educational
level
Fix the agreement mistake
levels
show examples
, the
world
 must be
more and more better
Change the word
better and better
better
show examples
.
Submitted by kevin. B on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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