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Writing Samples
Band 6

Educating children is a more difficult task today than it was in the past because they spend so much time on cell phones, online games, and social networking Website. Do you agree or disagree?

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These days, it is apparent that smartphones, video games, and social media
cause
Verb problem
make
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 learning among students more and more difficult. In
this
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 essay, the adverse impacts of these issues on disturbing education will be explained before my opinion to agree with the statement is reached. First of all, these mobile phones can lead pupils to lose their concentration on their teachers and lessons during class.
As they
Correct word choice
They
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 have several entertaining games
such
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 as Clash of Clans, Maze
runner
Capitalize word
Runner
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, and so on
as well as
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 fascinating applications like Facebook, Instagram, and
Tiktok
Correct your spelling
TikTok
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, which easily distract the focus of children from books, teachers, and other learning methods.
According to
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 the data published by Nida report, the students in the schools where all smartphones and appealing websites are banned have significantly higher GPAs than those who allow kids to bring these electric gadgets.
Therefore
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, all distracting devices should be prohibited in classrooms.
Furthermore
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, spending time playing on computers and scrolling on social media can waste time learning beneficial skills including foreign languages, sports, arts, and music. Because the young who are addicted to online games spend approximately 7 hours in front of a computer screen, they lose almost an entire day doing useless activities for themselves.
However
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,
this
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 amount of time can be spent learning useful skills that can
apply
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be applied
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 in the future.
For example
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, reading English articles every day for 2 hours can result in being an expert English user, which increases their opportunity to get a well-paid job in the future.
In addition
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, working out an hour per day leads to being physically and mentally healthy and in shape to get more confidence.
That is
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 why kids should avoid overusing these technologies. In conclusion, these gadgets are attributed children to lower capability in learning. Presumably, I absolutely agree with the view that all schools should not permit pupils to take mobile phones to classrooms.

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Coherence and Cohesion
To enhance clarity and cohesion, ensure each paragraph smoothly transitions into the next by using linking words or phrases. This will help guide the reader through your essay more effectively.
Task Achievement
Focus on providing more in-depth examples or evidence to strengthen your argument. This can provide a clearer and more convincing response to the essay question.
Task Achievement
Be mindful of maintaining focus on the central argument throughout the essay. Avoid deviating into tangential points that may not directly support your thesis.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear and concise introduction and conclusion that effectively state the main argument and reinforce the thesis.
Task Achievement
The essay provides relevant examples that are pertinent to the argument about the impacts of smartphones and social media on education.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a logical progression of ideas throughout the essay, providing a solid structure to the argument.
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