IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Obesity is now a major global epidemic. What can be done to tackle this increasingly common problem?

#obesity #epidemic
Nowadays, one of the global issues
which
Correct word choice
that
show examples
 young and elderly people face
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 is obesity. It may be either due to
time
 spent sitting in front of a screen or following
diet
Correct article usage
a diet
show examples
. Apart from the causes of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
Add a comma
,obesity
show examples
 it has adverse effects on people who are suffering
it
Change preposition
from it
show examples
. To solve
this
 issue, suggested
to limit
Change the verb form
limiting
show examples
 screen
time
 and
to avoid
Change the verb form
avoiding
show examples
 junk food.
First
 of all, keep track of the
time
, that
children
 spend watching TV.
Children
 do not know
time
Add an article
the time
show examples
, which should
be spend
Change the verb form
be spent
show examples
 watching television,
because
Correct word choice
and because
show examples
 of
this
parent
Fix the agreement mistake
parents
show examples
 have to restrict
the
Change the word
their
show examples
time
,
spending
Wrong verb form
spent
show examples
 in front of
screen
Add an article
the screen
a screen
show examples
.
Also
, parents should try to spend more
time
 outside with their
children
, as
it
Add a verb
isit
wasit
show examples
 beneficial for both sides. Walking on
regular
Add an article
a regular
show examples
 basis
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 will keep fit
both
Change preposition
in both
show examples
 age
group
Fix the agreement mistake
groups
show examples
,
however
Add a comma
,however
show examples
 at the same
time
Add a comma
,time
show examples
 parents should monitor
Correct pronoun usage
their child
show examples
child
Change noun form
child's
show examples
 nutrition.
Last
 but not the least, limit unhealthy foods in the household. If parents bring unhealthy foods into the household,
children
 may be more likely to eat them. Even though, we all know about the negative impact of those foods, we could not avoid them because of
its
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 lip-smacking taste and delicious appearance. The truth behind
that is
, used several aromas and artificial
appearance
Fix the agreement mistake
appearances
show examples
,
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
will
malfunctioning
Change the verb form
malfunction
be malfunctioning
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
our hormones and, probably, lead to obesity. Avoiding
this
 kind of
products
Fix the agreement mistake
product
show examples
 will keep people slim enough.
Submitted by yokubjon_nurullaev on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: