IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

:In some countries, fast food restaurants and companies give money to schools provided that the schools promote their products to school children. What do you think is the positive and negative of this in the development of children?

#countries #food #restaurants #companies #money #schools #products #school #children #development
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, companies try to earn money by using different ways of advertisement. One of them is promoting their
products
 at schools. I will try to present the advantages and disadvantages of
this
 action.
Firstly
, I want to show the positive aspect of product promotion among students. A university can use the money it received to improve conditions in the institution by purchasing modern devices or helping
children
 in their education by organising workshops or sponsoring books. That action would definitely help the
school
 to raise educated
children
 and make their efforts more pleasant.
On the other hand
,
children
 are not responsible for themselves and they have to rely on their
parents
. They do not know what is
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
best for them.
Products
 or food promoted in the
school
 might not be good for
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 health, because of some food allergies or poor ingredients,
therefore
, they can suffer from some digestive illnesses.
Moreover
,
parents
 might not want to purchase
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 desired item in order to protect their
children
, which can lead to arguments. On top of that,
parents
 might not be able to afford
products
, which are advertised in the
school
 and it is difficult to
explain
Add the preposition
toexplain
show examples
 their
child
Fix the agreement mistake
children
show examples
 why
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 they cannot have
it
Correct pronoun usage
them
show examples
. They might not understand their
parents
' decision and they can feel worse seeing their friends with the
products
 they wanted as well. To conclude, there are positive and negative aspects of promoting
products
 in schools.
Parents
 should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
vary and control what their
children
 eat and use.
School
 organs,
on the other hand
, should spend the funds they received in a responsible way to help their student develop.
Submitted by paulastb6 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: