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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some high school students work part-time in addition to going to school. What are the advantages and disadvantages of high school students having part-time jobs? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience

In the modern world, the number of
students
Use synonyms
 looking for part-time jobs is increasing. We can all agree that a part-time
job
Use synonyms
 can affect
teenagers
Use synonyms
 positively and negatively.
This
Linking Words
 essay will depict the advantages and disadvantages caused by
this
Linking Words
 phenomenon and the solutions. The benefits of doing a part-time
job
Use synonyms
 are not difficult to see. Some
teenagers
Use synonyms
 are already doing part-time jobs and earning their pocket
money
Use synonyms
 themselves. It can be helpful to learn how to earn
money
Use synonyms
 before
they get
Wrong verb form
getting
show examples
 a
job
Use synonyms
. I believe that
this
Linking Words
 is a good opportunity for
students
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, and they can gain a lot of knowledge
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such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as working in a team and how the company works inside.
In addition
Linking Words
, they can learn earning
money
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 is how
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
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difficult without their parents’ support. These are part of
education
Correct article usage
the education
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 for the
students
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. Academics
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 not the only important
education
Check wording
aspect
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for
Change preposition
of
show examples
teenager’s
Correct article usage
a teenager’s
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 education.
On the other hand
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, there is still no denying that doing a part-time
job
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 by
teenagers
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 has its own drawbacks.
For example
Linking Words
, if
students
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 do a part-time
job
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instead
Linking Words
 of studying, they cannot follow their school classes because they do not have time to study.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
students
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’ grades begin to suffer, they do less homework, and they are more likely to drop out.
Teenagers
Use synonyms
 have to focus on their own work, and I recommend that they work after graduation. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 it is true that learning how to earn
money
Use synonyms
 can be helpful before
they join
Wrong verb form
joining
show examples
 a company. As has been discussed above, the negative points associated with doing a part-time
job
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 for
teenagers
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 outweigh its merits.

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coherence
Add a clear main idea in each paragraph and connect ideas with better link words.
coherence
Give real examples from life to show how part-time work affects study and life.
language
Check grammar and fix mistakes like 'earning money is how much difficult' and 'Academics is not the only important education'.
task
Make the conclusion state your view clearly and refer to both sides.
structure
The essay says both sides and has a conclusion.
coherence
There are linking phrases such as On the other hand and In addition.
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