IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

In many families nowadays, both parents work and pay people to look after their children. Some people believe this is not good for families. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#families #parents #work #people #children
In modern life, both
parents
 tend to earn money to support their family
while
children
 are taken
care
 of by paid assistants. There are some arguments of effects on the opinion.
This
 essay will argue that though in a pressure situation,
children
 take more advantages than disadvantages in paid childcare. Some people believe that letting
children
 be taken
care
 of by baby sisters causes negative impacts. The first reason is child’s emotions and brain are vulnerable, and the person who looks after after
kids
 can affect their behaviours.
For instance
,
children
 can see and imitate bad treatment or temper. Another issue is spending time with
kids
 is considered the best way
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
parents
 to build their relationship and show their love and
care
 from very early
.
Rephrase
on.
show examples
However
, paying money for childcare
also
 creates more benefits.
Firstly
, in paid
care
children
 develop their social skills
such
 as how to play together or share, following instructions and lots of valuable skills.
Secondly
, both
parents
 work so they can support their family with a better high-quality life. They have strong finance for extra outdoor activities, or even holidays annually.
Moreover
,
parents
 save their energy and invest more qualities of time when they spend with
kids
. In conclusion, I believe that sending
kids
 to paid
care
 is a wise way to educate them and express
parents
’ caring and love.
Parents
 just need to balance their time for work and family, and they can use their money to raise their
kids
 with the best physical and mental health.
Submitted by duyuyen18 on

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task achievement
Your essay presents a clear argument and covers both sides of the debate, which is commendable. However, try to provide more specific examples to strengthen your points further.
coherence cohesion
Your essay's logical structure could be improved. Make sure each paragraph flows logically into the next. For example, ensure that the reasons provided in each paragraph are clearly connected to your main argument.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion are well-written and provide a clear overview and summarization of your argument.
task achievement
You offer a comprehensive response to the prompt, addressing both the positive and negative aspects of paid childcare.
task achievement
Your main points are clearly stated and well-supported within the paragraphs.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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