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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The charts below show the percentage of water used by different sectors in sydney, Australia, in 1997 and 2007

The charts below show the percentage of water used by different sectors in sydney, Australia, in 1997 and 2007
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Given are two pie charts comparing the proportion of total
water
Use synonyms
 consumption divided by five sectors namely
Correct article usage
the servise
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servise
Correct your spelling
service
services
industry
Use synonyms
, building
industry
Use synonyms
, food
industry
Use synonyms
, household use and
manufactoring
Correct your spelling
manufacturing
 in Sydney, Australia, in the years 1997 and 2007.
Overall
Linking Words
,
While
Linking Words
 the proportion of
water
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 by
food
Add an article
the food
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industry
Use synonyms
, building
indistry
Correct your spelling
industry
 and manufacturing declined slightly, the amount of
water
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 by
Correct article usage
the servise
show examples
servise
Correct your spelling
service
industry
Use synonyms
 and household use grew during the time mentioned. From nearly
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
half of the total consumption (48%) in 1997,the rate
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
water
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 by
food
Correct article usage
the food
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
decreased by 7% in 2007.
Likewise
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 proportion for
building
Correct article usage
the building
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
 saw
more
Correct article usage
a more
show examples
 than
2-times
Correct your spelling
2 times
 decrease ( from 5% in 1997 to 2% in 2007).
Further
Linking Words
, there was a minimal
reduse
Correct your spelling
reduce
use
 of 4% in
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
water
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 by
manufactoring
Correct your spelling
manufacturing
 over a period of 10 years. With regard to the percentage of
water
Use synonyms
usage
Use synonyms
 by
service
Add an article
the service
show examples
industry
Use synonyms
,
this
Linking Words
 quantity doubled approximately during the time in question (from 13% in 1997 to 25% in 2007).
Similarly
Linking Words
, from less than a fifth of the total (19%) in 1997,
this
Linking Words
 quantity raised to 21% in 2007.

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Vocabulary: Replace the words water, industry, usage with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 3 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
▼
Topic Vocabulary:
  • water consumption
  • percent
  • sector
  • domestic
  • industrial
  • agriculture
  • comparison
  • trends
  • decrease
  • increase
  • significant
  • resource management
  • sustainability
  • efficiency
  • conservation
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