IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

At the present time, the population of some countries includes a relatively large number of young adults, compared with the number of older people. Do the advantages of this situation outweigh the disadvantages?

#time #population #countries #adults #people #situation
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
These days, the proportion of
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
 in some countries is much
more
Change the word
apply
show examples
higher than older
adults
Use synonyms
. There are
prods
Correct your spelling
pros
show examples
 and cons to
this
Linking Words
 matter.In
this
Linking Words
 essay,
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 will expand
the
Change preposition
on the
show examples
 advantages and disadvantages of
this
Linking Words
 consequence.
To begin
Linking Words
 with,
according to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the latest study that was conducted
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Oxford university, revealed that
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population is increasing more and more,
Correct your spelling
especially
especialy
Correct your spelling
especially
 in eastern
europe
Change the capitalization
Europe
show examples
.
Moreover
Linking Words
,societies can rely on these young
adults
Use synonyms
.
For instance
Linking Words
,in Germany, young
people
Use synonyms
 are engaged
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 technological tasks and if the
number
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 rises, there will be improvement and progress for the country
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
 that specific field. Plus,
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 comparison to
old
Add an article
the old
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
, young
adults
Use synonyms
 are more flexible to do various jobs.
As a result
Linking Words
, governments can enrich new ideas with the presence of these young generations.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, as the
number
Use synonyms
 of young
people
Use synonyms
 increases, there will be more responsibilities for societies and officials. Because
young
Correct article usage
the young
show examples
 population are reckless and risk taker
with
Change preposition
in
show examples
 comparison to
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
 ones.
In addition
Linking Words
,
old
Correct article usage
the old
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
 are experienced and can be
Correct your spelling
useful
usefull
Correct your spelling
useful
 for their country.
For Example
Linking Words
, they can teach what they have learned. If the
number
Use synonyms
 of old
adults
Use synonyms
 decreases,
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
 of instructors and mentors
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 the
consequences
Fix the agreement mistake
consequence
show examples
.
Old
Add an article
The old
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
, especially
middle-aged
Correct article usage
the middle-aged
show examples
, can be candidates for political jobs, and preponderant decisions can be taken by them.
However
Linking Words
, old
people
Use synonyms
 are not up-to-date. They can not easily
adopt
Correct your spelling
adapt
show examples
with
Change preposition
to
show examples
 modern technology. So, by increasing the proportion of
adults
Use synonyms
,the speed of progress will be fallen under
this
Linking Words
cirmumestance
Correct your spelling
circumstance
. To sum up, there are positive and negative points in rising the
number
Use synonyms
 of
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
generation
Use synonyms
.In my opinion,the part of positive points
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 heavier than the opposite part.
Submitted by niloufarhaghighat on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • demographic
  • workforce
  • productivity
  • innovation
  • skilled labor
  • social development
  • technology
  • dividend
  • competition
  • resources
  • social welfare
  • unrest
  • instability
  • healthcare
  • elderly care
What to do next:
Look at other essays: