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Band 4.5

It is more important for governments to spend public funds on promoting a healthy lifestyle than treatment Do you agree or disagree?

#governments #funds #lifestyle #treatment
In
this
 ambitious world, eating junk foods is becoming a trend, some believe that it is essential for governments to promote healthy lifestyles
better
Rephrase
rather
show examples
 than treating people.
Although
 both sides have sense, I agree that a commitment to a healthy routine is
much
Fix the agreement mistake
apply
show examples
essential to
maintain
Wrong verb form
maintaining
show examples
 excellent stamina.
Firstly
, spending funds on hospitals is commonly done by countries,
additionally
, nations usually include yearly reserves to be spent on healthcare treatments, they spent billions of dollars to build hospitals and clinics.
For example
, in the USA itself as per the health ministry, the money spent on treatments in 2019 was more than $2 billion.
Accordingly
, the spent on promoting a healthy lifestyle was only a million.
Moreover
, it is always better to prevent sicknesses rather than treat them, unlike what is being done nowadays, taxes shall include only junk foods as it is the main reason for illness,
otherwise
, residents will always tend to spend less on healthy goods as they are considered expensive compared to other food.
Furthermore
, people
agreed
Wrong verb form
agree
show examples
 with the concept that an unhealthy lifestyle is ultimately causing diseases,
for instance
, eating excessive amounts of junk foods, sugar and sweets will eventually cause defects
such
 as heart attacks and cancer.
As a result
 , authorities should decrease the taxes on healthy food,
in addition
, they should enhance agriculture in the country rather than importing food from other countries.
In particular
, they should fund farms to be able to manage and increase their sales to overcome exporting goods.
To conclude
, nations should take care more in funding the right authorities and preventing people from contamination rather than waiting for them to
be
Verb problem
become
show examples
 sick and
then
 paying more money to treat them.
However
, spending more money on the other side would make huge progress in human life.
Submitted by ayoub.mehdi on

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Task Response
The introduction lacks a clear thesis statement that directly responds to the prompt. The conclusion also needs to be strengthened by summarizing the main points and restating the writer's stance.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay shows a basic logical structure, but there are points where the progression of ideas is unclear. The link between some sentences and paragraphs needs to be more explicit. Additionally, the organization of ideas could be improved through the use of transition words and phrases.

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