IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

some people believe that parents should be responsible for encouraging their children to take regular exercise . others argue that the main responsibility for encouraging children to do so should lie with school . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

Some people get hold of the
idea
Use synonyms
 that
parents
Use synonyms
 need to be responsible for encouraging their child to do some
exercise
Use synonyms
 on a regular basis,
while
Linking Words
 others believe the teachers in
school
Use synonyms
 should take the primary responsibility. Personally, I consider that these two
manners
Check wording
methods
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 should take equal responsibility. Before starting
school
Use synonyms
 life,
parents
Use synonyms
 should help their child
to
Verb problem
apply
show examples
establish the
idea
Use synonyms
 of fitness, which is beneficial to their mental and physical health.
Children
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 tend to mimic their
parent's
Check wording
parents'
show examples
 behaviour. If a healthy lifestyle
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
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 as doing some
exercise
Use synonyms
 and balance between life and work, the
parents
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hold
Verb problem
apply
show examples
, their
children
Use synonyms
 are more likely to have a similar schedule.
For example
Linking Words
, I am really into playing basketball
due to
Linking Words
 my father taught me the
advantage
Fix the agreement mistake
advantages
show examples
 of doing sports and played it with me on a court within walking distance of my home whenever I felt bored.
Thus
Linking Words
,
parents
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 are supposed to help
children
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 establish the
idea
Use synonyms
 of fitness ,especially in their childhood. Meanwhile, there are some reasons that schools are required to be responsible for encouraging
children
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 to
exercise
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. The primary reason is that teenagers always spend several hours in
school
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 and
thus
Linking Words
 suffer from the stress of heavy schoolwork. Schools need to arrange some PE lessons and allow
students
Use synonyms
 to do their favourite sports and recharge themselves.
For instance
Linking Words
, in America, PE is a compulsory subject
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 when
students
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 apply for
Correct article usage
an
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elite college, they should submit
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
grade
Fix the agreement mistake
grades
show examples
 for PE. In my opinion, the
school
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 should supervise
students
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 and
encourages
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourage
show examples
 them to do
sport
Fix the agreement mistake
sports
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for
Change preposition
to
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releasing
Verb problem
relieve
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pressure
Check wording
stress
show examples
. In conclusion,
parents
Use synonyms
 tend to stimulate
children
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 to establish the
idea
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of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 "taking
exercise
Use synonyms
 is beneficial to our body",
while
Linking Words
Use synonyms
school
Fix the agreement mistake
schools
show examples
 should help
students
Use synonyms
 to keep doing
this
Linking Words
.

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Task Response
To raise task response, state a clear view and give strong reasons for your choice. Add more facts or simple ideas for each point to show you understand the task.
Coherence and Cohesion
To raise coherence and cohesion, use clearer links to move ideas. Start a new paragraph for a new idea and use linking words like first, also, and finally.
Task Response
You show a clear view that both parents and school share the job.
Coherence
Some real life example and a look at policy are used.
Task Response
You try to explain both sides before your own view.
Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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