IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

some people believe that parents should be responsible for encouraging their children to take regular exercise . others argue that the main responsibility for encouraging children to do so should lie with school . Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

#people #parents #children #exercise #responsibility #school
Some people get hold of the
idea
 that
parents
 need to be responsible for encouraging their child to do some
exercise
 on a regular basis,
while
 others believe the teachers in
school
 should take the primary responsibility. Personally, I consider that these two manners should take equal responsibility. Before starting
school
 life,
parents
 should help their child to establish the
idea
 of fitness, which is beneficial to their mental and physical health.
Children
 tend to mimic their parent's behaviour. If a healthy lifestyle
such
 as doing some
exercise
 and balance between life and work, the
parents
 hold, their
children
 are more likely to have a similar schedule.
For example
, I am really into playing basketball
due to
 my father taught me the advantage of doing sports and played it with me on a court within walking distance of my home whenever I felt bored.
Thus
,
parents
 are supposed to help
children
 establish the
idea
 of fitness ,especially in their childhood. Meanwhile, there are some reasons that schools are required to be responsible for encouraging
children
 to
exercise
. The primary reason is that teenagers always spend several hours in
school
 and
thus
 suffer from the stress of heavy schoolwork. Schools need to arrange some PE lessons and allow
students
 to do their favourite sports and recharge themselves.
For instance
, in America, PE is a compulsory subject and when
students
 apply for
Add an article
the
show examples
elite college, they should submit a good grade for PE. In my opinion, the
school
 should supervise
students
 and
encourages
Correct subject-verb agreement
encourage
show examples
 them to do sport
for releasing
Change preposition
to release
show examples
 pressure. In conclusion,
parents
 tend to stimulate
children
 to establish the
idea
of
Change preposition
that
show examples
 "taking
exercise
 is beneficial to our body",
while
school
 should help
students
 to keep doing
this
.
Submitted by 1998v7 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Ensure that all ideas are directly related to the topic and avoid going off on tangents. Make sure that each paragraph connects logically to the next.
task achievement
Provide a more balanced view by discussing the opposing arguments in more detail. Consider including more specific examples to support your points and strengthen your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

You are not ready for IELTS Speaking, if you

  • Can’t speak smoothly without pauses.
  • Use simple words and lack vocabulary.
  • Feel nervous and anxious when speaking.
What to do next:
Look at other essays:

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!