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Band 6.5

Art is essential part of all cultures throughout the world however in these days fewer and fewer people appreciate art and turn their focus on science technology and business

#art #part #cultures #world #people #focus #science #technology #business
In recent days, the tendency of
people
 to
study
art
 has diminished; they are keen on
science
,
technology
, and
business
.
Instead
 of
art
, focusing on those will provide them with numerous benefits in the future.
This
 essay will discuss and give several possible solutions.   There are primary reasons
people
 are enthusiastic about studying
technology
,
science
, and
business
.
First
 of all, they assume that
art
 is irrelevant in recent days. During the
technology
 era, many
people
 tend to concentrate on
technology
 and
science
 subjects
such
 as coding, programming, and nuclear.
Additionally
, studying
business
 is more attractive for some
people
 due to the unlimited opportunity to build their own
business
. They can envision expanding their
business
 to other countries through international cooperation.
For example
, nowadays a lot of
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 have an export  certain commodities,
such
 as furniture, woof batik, etc.
Further
, they not only get profit from their
business
 but
also
networking
Wrong verb form
network
show examples
.
However
,
art
 is a pivotal aspect of a country, because it contains value and culture. The government should appreciate
students
 who
study
art
 with several actions.
Firstly
, the authority should give
students
 a chance to acknowledge their skills in some event,
such
 as contest graffiti, music or dance. It can build confidence for
students
 to
study
art
 more deeply.
Secondly
, offering
art
 as a subject in school makes
students
 fascinated because it can encourage self-expression, creativity, as well
as
Correct your spelling
a
show examples
sense
Add an article
a sense
the sense
show examples
 of individual identity.
For instance
, pupils who
study
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
art
 like music can express their ideas through lyric music, which is more creative and exhilarating.   To sum up,
during
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the years a lot of
people
 are less enthusiastic to
study
art
, they tend to learn
technology
,
science
 and
business
 because they believe that those subjects can bring them to bright life in the future.
Submitted by IELTS_8 on

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Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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