IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

#countries #children #work #people
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In some nations, young
people
Use synonyms
 are acceptable to become paid workers.
Subsequently
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, many
people
Use synonyms
 and non-profit organizations consider
this
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 trend as a wrong mechanism, while
the
Correct article usage
apply
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others think it is a normal thing that
also
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 can produce a valuable effect
such
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 as working experience. In my point of
view
Add a comma
,view
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 both arguments have their own consideration, and it depends on the perspective that we use in seeing the problem,
although
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 I personally prefer the children to focus on education rather than find
working
Replace the word
work
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 experience.
To begin
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,
people
Use synonyms
 who criticize
this
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 labour mechanism are supported by evidence from several research. The studies indicated that young
people
Use synonyms
 working hours could decrease their allocated time to study and
playing
Change the form of the verb
play
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, which are necessary for children’s
intelligent
Replace the word
intelligence
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 and mental development. In some cases, it is usually their parents who encourage the child to work because of the
economy
Replace the word
economic
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 problem.
Furthermore
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, most of the cases
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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involve
the
Correct article usage
apply
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middle schoolers, who could work in their teenage years already.
However
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,
this
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 issue is not as simple as it seems since the government should see it
in
Change preposition
from
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 a helicopter view. The bigger picture is about the economy, which has
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 a complex problem
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
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 in developing countries. Despite having its negative side,
the
Correct article usage
apply
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young individuals tend to be more productive than the older generation.
Therefore
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, their contribution
in
Change preposition
to
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industry
Add an article
the industry
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 could increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
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labour productivity itself. To sum up,
underaged
Correct article usage
the underaged
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 labour mechanism should be minimized as low as possible in every country, because it could decrease the percentage of educated young
people
Use synonyms
, according to the research.
However
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, if a country needs its young generation to work to affect their economy, children should be allowed only in
Add a hyphen
part-time
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part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
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 job
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
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, so it will not bother their time to study in school.
Submitted by rahmanda.nofal on

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