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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

In many countries, children are engaged in some kind of paid work. Some people regard this as completely wrong while others consider it as valuable work experience. Discuss both opinions and give your opinion.

#countries #children #work #people
In some nations, young
people
 are acceptable to become paid workers.
Subsequently
, many
people
 and non-profit organizations consider
this
 trend as a wrong mechanism, while
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
others think it is a normal thing that
also
 can produce a valuable effect
such
 as working experience. In my point of
view
Add a comma
,view
show examples
 both arguments have their own consideration, and it depends on the perspective that we use in seeing the problem,
although
 I personally prefer the children to focus on education rather than find
working
Replace the word
work
show examples
 experience.
To begin
,
people
 who criticize
this
 labour mechanism are supported by evidence from several research. The studies indicated that young
people
 working hours could decrease their allocated time to study and
playing
Change the form of the verb
play
show examples
, which are necessary for children’s
intelligent
Replace the word
intelligence
show examples
 and mental development. In some cases, it is usually their parents who encourage the child to work because of the
economy
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 problem.
Furthermore
, most of the cases
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
involve
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
middle schoolers, who could work in their teenage years already.
However
,
this
 issue is not as simple as it seems since the government should see it
in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 a helicopter view. The bigger picture is about the economy, which has
became
Change the verb form
become
show examples
 a complex problem
especially
Add the comma(s)
,especially
show examples
 in developing countries. Despite having its negative side,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
young individuals tend to be more productive than the older generation.
Therefore
, their contribution
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
industry
Add an article
the industry
show examples
 could increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
labour productivity itself. To sum up,
underaged
Correct article usage
the underaged
show examples
 labour mechanism should be minimized as low as possible in every country, because it could decrease the percentage of educated young
people
, according to the research.
However
, if a country needs its young generation to work to affect their economy, children should be allowed only in
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
part time
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
 job
role
Fix the agreement mistake
roles
show examples
, so it will not bother their time to study in school.
Submitted by rahmanda.nofal on

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