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Band 3.5

These days, older people who have retired often choose to spend money on themselves (for example on holidays) rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #money #holidays #children #development
Nowadays, pensioners,
people
 who retired from
Add an article
the job
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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, like spending their
money
for
Change preposition
on
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 their own expenses like going
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 holidays
instead
 of sparing
money
 for their
children
.
Personally
Add a comma
,Personally
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 I think it is
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 development as old
people
 should live the life they want, without saving
money
 for their
children
.
From
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
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 side, if parents economise their
money
 and give a hand to
children
 of their it will in some cases help
for
Change preposition
apply
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the child to grow and gain better knowledge. The reason is studying at better schools or in
a private schools
Correct the article-noun agreement
private schools
a private school
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 will give
much
Correct pronoun usage
them much
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 better knowledge,
also
 they would live higher than average class
children
 as it gives more confidence to a child.
For instance
, living in a well-equipped house with computers or containing all the necessary
technological
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technical
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equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 can make a child
to
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apply
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study harder as well as in good conditions which
helps
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help
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 for better performance.
However
, above mentioned are good but old
people
also
 should rest, as they want to travel and go on vacations, and live without denying themselves anything, because it is the best time to do
this
 when one
have
Change the verb form
has
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 retired, have enough
money
 and
realising
Wrong verb form
realise
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 that it is almost end of their life should live beyond thinking about anything.
Moreover
, going on vacations and seeing places abroad can extend their
lifetime
Replace the word
life
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 as it gives
Correct pronoun usage
them the
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the
Correct your spelling
them
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 feeling of pleasure. In conclusion, older
people
 should better spend their
money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their personal pleasure, as their
children
 can reach everything on their own, I think.
Submitted by khudoyor1202 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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