IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 3.5

These days, older people who have retired often choose to spend money on themselves (for example on holidays) rather than save money for their children. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #money #holidays #children #development
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Nowadays, pensioners,
people
Use synonyms
 who retired from
Add an article
the job
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job
Fix the agreement mistake
jobs
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, like spending their
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their own expenses like going
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 holidays
instead
Linking Words
 of sparing
money
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
.
Personally
Add a comma
,Personally
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 I think it is
positive
Add an article
a positive
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 development as old
people
Use synonyms
 should live the life they want, without saving
money
Use synonyms
 for their
children
Use synonyms
.
From
Change preposition
On
show examples
one
Correct article usage
the one
show examples
 side, if parents economise their
money
Use synonyms
 and give a hand to
children
Use synonyms
 of their it will in some cases help
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the child to grow and gain better knowledge. The reason is studying at better schools or in
a private schools
Correct the article-noun agreement
private schools
a private school
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 will give
much
Correct pronoun usage
them much
show examples
 better knowledge,
also
Linking Words
 they would live higher than average class
children
Use synonyms
 as it gives more confidence to a child.
For instance
Linking Words
, living in a well-equipped house with computers or containing all the necessary
technological
Replace the word
technical
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equipments
Change the wording
equipment
types of equipment
pieces of equipment
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 can make a child
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
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study harder as well as in good conditions which
helps
Change the verb form
help
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 for better performance.
However
Linking Words
, above mentioned are good but old
people
Use synonyms
also
Linking Words
 should rest, as they want to travel and go on vacations, and live without denying themselves anything, because it is the best time to do
this
Linking Words
 when one
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 retired, have enough
money
Use synonyms
 and
realising
Wrong verb form
realise
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 that it is almost end of their life should live beyond thinking about anything.
Moreover
Linking Words
, going on vacations and seeing places abroad can extend their
lifetime
Replace the word
life
show examples
 as it gives
Correct pronoun usage
them the
show examples
the
Correct your spelling
them
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 feeling of pleasure. In conclusion, older
people
Use synonyms
 should better spend their
money
Use synonyms
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 their personal pleasure, as their
children
Use synonyms
 can reach everything on their own, I think.
Submitted by khudoyor1202 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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