IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

For many young people today, shopping is their favourite free time activity. Why do you think this has happened? Should young people be encouraged to do different activities in their free time? Give reason for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own experience or knowledge.

#people #favourite #time #activity #activities #reason
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In recent times, a lot of young
people
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 are keen on shopping rather than other
activities
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 in their leisure
time
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. There are two main reasons why they follow
this
Linking Words
 trend
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
shopping creates satisfaction and is
also
Linking Words
 a way to kill
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
time
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.
However
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, it can offer many
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
diasadvantages
Correct your spelling
disadvantages
. So they had better be involved with other
Correct your spelling
activities
activies
Correct your spelling
activities
such
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 as doing sports or social
activities
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.
First
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 of all, young
people
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 feel more satisfied when they go shopping.
In other words
Linking Words
, they may feel
more
Change the word
apply
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happier
on
Change preposition
apply
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which
Correct word choice
when
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 they are in stores,
look
Wrong verb form
looking
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 and
try
Wrong verb form
trying
show examples
 on items
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 the new collection.
For instance
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, teenagers undergo a feeling of terrific when they have received a new pair of sneakers that they ordered on Amazon- an online purchase platform.
Secondly
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, young
people
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 have more free
time
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 to spare so they go shopping to kill
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
time
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. It means
besides
Linking Words
 going to school on weekdays, they have nothing to do at the weekend.
Therefore
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 they go to supermarkets or malls to fill their empty
time
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.
For example
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, their parents are absolutely busy with their business and they just give their children money without
spend
Replace the word
spending
show examples
time
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 with them.
This
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 causes young
people
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feel
Fix the infinitive
to feel
show examples
 alone and shopping is effective for them to feel less empty.
Finally
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, young
people
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 should be stimulated to take part in other social
activities
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 because
this
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 makes them more active and energetic.
Consequently
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, it is really good for their mental and physical health. To conclude, many young
people
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 usually spend their
time
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 going shopping but their parents should advise them to take part in other
activities
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by duchuysgu92 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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