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Writing Samples
Band 4

In some societies the number of crime committed by teenagers is growing. Some people think that regardless of age, teenagers who commit major crime should receive adult punishment. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#societies #crime #teenagers #people #age #adult #punishment
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The level of crime
is
Wrong verb form
has been
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 increasing recently
due to
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 abundance and
unstrict
Correct your spelling
strict
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 laws , in
this
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,writing I will include reasons and causes of why
this
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 trend is
up
Rephrase
apply
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growing and will
then
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 present my decision. Teenagers have recently been permitted to do so many things that are causing them to go faulty.
Firstly
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 juniors are permitted to watch
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
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 series that has a lot of violence which causes an increase in their inner anger
of
Change preposition
apply
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them
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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secondly
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 some countries are allowing teenagers to have machine guns in hand
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moreover
Rephrase
apply
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and allowing the purchase of drugs which
put
Wrong verb form
puts
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 the youngster in the category of a severely dangerous human because they will be in incomplete sense and they are having an extremely dreadful weapon that can cause catastrophes. A real example is the adolescent of Uvalde in America who was on drugs and purchased a machine gun two days after he turned 18 and entered an elementary school where he killed more than 21 children.
To begin
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 ,
with
Correct word choice
apply
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 some country and state rules have to be revised to ensure a decrease In the level of crime
as well as
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 restriction of
tv
Correct your spelling
TV
show examples
 shows for those under age plus concealing for those who have psychological issues to reduce the level of anger within them
as well as
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 revision of material given to children
as well as
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 parental supervision. I strongly agree that teenagers should equally be punished like adults because the severity of the crime is not age-based it's based on the degree and extent of endangerment and aggression.
Submitted by maria_makarious on

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task response
Task response is not fully addressed, incomplete development of ideas and lack of relevant examples
coherence cohesion
The logical structure is partially developed, introduction and conclusion are present, but main points lack coherence and cohesion

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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