IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

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It is argued
by
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apply
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some people that the
media
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 has
been
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affected human behaviour and
it
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apply
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leads to significant damage within
the
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apply
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society, whereas others claim that these trends are not related to how people act. I believed that video games and especially visual
media
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 have a huge impact on
human’s
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human
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 attitude and
causes
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cause
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 corruption
on
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in
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the
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apply
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societies.
Firstly
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, there is a fact that all human beings act
in
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according to what they watch or see
since
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from
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 the
baby
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baby's
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 age.
Moreover
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, some authorities warn
the
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parents about the harmful effect of
TVs
Fix the agreement mistake
TV
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 and videos
over
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on
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 babies and teenagers.
For example
Linking Words
, a trend of " Online Gangster" appear
in
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a
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several
year
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years
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 ago in Viet Nam was
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spread
spreaded
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spread
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 by Kha Banh. A part of
youth
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the youth
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 were try to copy him to fight,dissipation, destroyed property, etc after videos of
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gangsters
gangster
gangters
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gangsters
 life became viral on social
media
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.
Secondly
Linking Words
, some
of
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people
Add an article
the people
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 spent
to
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too
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 much time on virtual work like games, anime, comics,... and have a delusional
think
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thinking
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 that the things on those may happen in real life.
As a result
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, some of them did
some
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insanely act like
kill
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killing
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 themselves to travel to another world
in game
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in-game
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 or anime. In conclusion, in
the
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light of
information
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the information
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 given above, I would say that social platforms and especially
media
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 have a significant impact on people’s daily life, and most importantly, on societies. That’s the reason why I strongly believe that the authorities in each country should set
the
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rules about the restriction of using television and video games according to age groups.

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Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
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