Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behaviour. What is your opinion?

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
It is argued
by
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
some people that the
media
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply

The verb been appears to be unnecessary here.

show examples
affected human behaviour and
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply

It seems that there is a pronoun problem here.

show examples
leads to significant damage within
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
society, whereas others claim that these trends are not related to how people act. I believed that video games and especially visual
media
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have a huge impact on
human’s
Change noun form
human

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

show examples
attitude and
causes
Change the verb form
cause

The singular verb causes does not appear to agree with the plural subject video games and especially visual media. Consider changing the verb form for subject-verb agreement.

show examples
corruption
on
Change preposition
in

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
societies.
Firstly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, there is a fact that all human beings act
in
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
according to what they watch or see
since
Change preposition
from

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
the
baby
Change noun form
baby's

It seems that this noun form may be incorrect.

show examples
age.
Moreover
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some authorities warn
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
parents about the harmful effect of
TVs
Fix the agreement mistake
TV

It seems that TVs may not agree in number with other words in this phrase.

show examples
and videos
over
Change preposition
on

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
babies and teenagers.
For example
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, a trend of " Online Gangster" appear
in
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
several
year
Change to a plural noun
years

The singular countable noun year follows the quantifier several, which requires a plural noun. Consider using a plural noun or a different quantifier.

show examples
ago in Viet Nam was
Correct your spelling
spread
Correct your spelling
spread

If you don’t want spreaded to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

spreaded
Correct your spelling
spread
show examples
by Kha Banh. A part of
youth
Correct article usage
the youth

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
were try to copy him to fight,dissipation, destroyed property, etc after videos of
Correct your spelling
gangsters
gangster
Correct your spelling
gangsters
gangster

If you don’t want gangters to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

gangters
Correct your spelling
gangsters
life became viral on social
media
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

.
Secondly
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some
of
Change preposition
apply

It seems that preposition use may be incorrect here.

show examples
people
Add an article
the people

The phrase some of people may require the use of the article the. Consider inserting the before the noun in your sentence.

show examples
spent
to
Correct your spelling
too

The word to doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
much time on virtual work like games, anime, comics,... and have a delusional
think
Replace the word
thinking

The word think doesn’t seem to fit this context. Consider replacing it with a different one.

show examples
that the things on those may happen in real life.
As a result
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

, some of them did
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply

It seems that quantifier use may be incorrect here.

show examples
insanely act like
kill
Wrong verb form
killing

It appears that your sentence or clause uses an incorrect form of the verb kill. Consider changing it.

show examples
themselves to travel to another world
in game
Add a hyphen
in-game

It appears that in game is missing a hyphen. Consider adding the hyphen(s).

show examples
or anime. In conclusion, in
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
light of
information
Correct article usage
the information

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
given above, I would say that social platforms and especially
media
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

have a significant impact on people’s daily life, and most importantly, on societies. That’s the reason why I strongly believe that the authorities in each country should set
the
Correct article usage
apply

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
rules about the restriction of using television and video games according to age groups.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • pivotal
  • desensitize
  • catalyst
  • predisposed
  • harmless outlet
  • distinguish
  • controlled environments
  • empirical research
  • minimal or no direct correlation
  • socio-economic status
  • predisposition
What to do next:
Look at other essays: