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Band 5

Many people think that happiness relies on the responsibility of individuals; others think that it is affected by other factors. Discuss both views and state your opinion by using examples from your personal experience.

#people #happiness #responsibility #individuals #factors
In today's world,
people
 have strived to find the exact source of
happiness
 because everyone believes that
as
Change preposition
in
show examples
 living
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
efficient life
happiness
 is to be needed. There is much debate over what
Correct your spelling
happens
happiness
happines
Correct your spelling
happiness
 relies on. Some
people
 highlight that it relies on the responsibility of individuals,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
 claim that it is influenced by other things
such
 as
money
.
This
 essay will discuss both
Correct your spelling
views
viwes
Correct your spelling
views
 as well as why ı think seeking
the
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apply
show examples
happiness
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inside
insede
Correct your spelling
inside
 of us is
better
Add an article
a better
the better
show examples
 way to address
this
 issue.
The most
Correct article usage
Most
show examples
people
 say that the primary origin of
happiness
 is
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responsibilities
Correct article usage
the responsibities
show examples
responsibities
Correct your spelling
responsibility
 of what
individual
Fix the agreement mistake
individuals
show examples
 have. When
people
 accomplish their objectives, leading to
them
Correct pronoun usage
they
show examples
 feel more complicated, which in turn
resulting
Wrong verb form
results
show examples
 in them
to
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apply
show examples
happiness
. To illustrate, when ı was preparing for
university
Add an article
the university
show examples
 exam, ı had several goals to make
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
. If ı make these aims, ı tend to feel
more happy
Replace the words
happier
show examples
 compared to
time
Correct article usage
the time
show examples
which
Correct word choice
when
show examples
 ı had not made
because
Correct pronoun usage
them because
show examples
 of
fulfilment
Add an article
the fulfilment
show examples
 of my responsibilities.
Therefore
, everybody strongly states that the best way to
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acquire
aquire
Correct your spelling
acquire
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
happiness
 is achieving your objectives which are
in
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apply
show examples
your responsibility.
On the other hand
, others
determining
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determine
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
money
the
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as the
show examples
 most important source of being happy.
Thus
, they consider that
money
 can
offers
Wrong verb form
offer
show examples
 more products which may increase the possibility of feeling happy.
However
, there are some problems which
money
 can not overcome.
For example
,
one
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for one
show examples
 who is congenital paralysis, no matter how much
money
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
you have, the
stutiation
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situation
 could not be fixed.
Hence
,
money
 isn't
such
 a significant thing to be happy. I strongly believe that if a person wants to find what feeling happy relies on, one should
be
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
Add an article
a focus
the focus
show examples
focus
Wrong verb form
focused
show examples
 on
the
Remove the article
apply
show examples
some abstract things
such
 as religion. To
Correct your spelling
exemplify
examplify
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exemplify
, When ı feel blue, ı will go to the mosque and ı pray. It makes me
more happy
Replace the words
happier
show examples
 since it helps to find my inner peace. So
people
 need to find something
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special
speacial
Correct your spelling
special
 which is not concrete for them. In conclusion, finding
motherland
Correct article usage
the motherland
show examples
 of
happiness
 remains a controversial issue. Some
people
 think it can be responsibilities or other factors
such
 as
money
, yet in my
opinion
Add a comma
,opinion
show examples
 the key
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 being happy is inside of
people
.
Submitted by merttufan197 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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