IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

THE WORLD TODAY IS A SAFER PLACE THAN IT WAS A HUNDRED YEARS AGO, AND GOVERNMENT SHOULD STOP SPENDING LARGE AMOUNTS OF MONEY ON THEIR ARMED FORCES. TO WHAT EXTENT DO YOU AGREE OR DISAGREE WITH STATEMENT?

#world #place #years #government #amounts #money #forces
It is an undeniable fact that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 these days, everyone can go anywhere without
worry
Wrong verb form
worrying
show examples
of
Change preposition
about
show examples
 anything. If we go back
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
hundreds of years ago,
then
 it was not safe as compared
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
now especially for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
woman’s
Change noun form
woman
show examples
 and children as well.
However
, it does not mean that our country is totally safe today. I completely disagree with the above statement and to support my opinion, I will give some strong reasons in
next
Correct article usage
the next
show examples
 paragraph.
To begin
, recently, we can read the newspaper and even
watching
Wrong verb form
watch
show examples
 on TV or social platforms about
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
cases of reps, kidnapping, robbery and many more. In fact, it will become increase day by day and for that, local authorities have to be taken some steps against it.
For example
, recently, a 10 years old girl
rapped
Add a missing verb
was rapped
show examples
 by 6
man
Change to a plural noun
men
show examples
.
However
, till now, the
government
 do not even try to
caught
Change the verb
catch
show examples
 those men.
Consequently
, they have to be spent some funds and add some more police forces to stop
these kind
Change the determiner
this kind
these kinds
show examples
 of crime rates.
Secondly
, by the influence of
latest
Correct article usage
the latest
show examples
 holly wood series ‘MONEY
HEIST
Add a comma
,HEIST
show examples
’ some people try to
stole
Change the form of the verb
steal
show examples
money
Add an article
the money
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
Add an article
the bank
show examples
bank
Fix the agreement mistake
banks
show examples
. So,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should higher some senior police officers to control it. We can
also
 see that;
Indian
Correct article usage
the Indian
show examples
 army
do
Change the verb form
does
show examples
 not have that much of weapons compared to other developed countries like Japan and Russia.
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
Therefor
Correct your spelling
Therefore
show examples
,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should spend some money to buy some latest weapons.
Lastly
,
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
27th
Correct article usage
the 27th
show examples
 of November 1990, In Mumbai, terrorists
had
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
attacked
on
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
Taj hotel and
that
Change preposition
at that
show examples
 time approximately 1000
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
people
were died
Change to the active voice
died
have died
show examples
 so,
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
 should spend funds for hiring more Indian
army
Fix the agreement mistake
armies
show examples
. Agglomerating all the above points elaborated, I would like to conclude that
government
 should spend some huge expanse on armed forces for the purpose of safety of every individual.
Submitted by rahulgpatel19 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • International Diplomacy
  • United Nations
  • pandemics
  • socioeconomic improvements
  • literacy rates
  • economic development
  • social stability
  • military expenditure
  • deterrent
  • cyber-attacks
  • terrorism
  • biological warfare
  • critical areas
  • well-rounded approach
  • prosperous society
What to do next:
Look at other essays: