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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many aldults nowadays prefer spending their free time playing computer games. Why do they do this? Is this a positive or negative development?

#aldults #time #computer #games #development
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It is observed that a considerable proportion of
adults
Use synonyms
 in present-day society are inclined to spend their leisure
time
Use synonyms
 playing video
games
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 phenomenon can be attributed to several factors, and I believe that it is
overall
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 an unwelcome development. There are two key drivers behind the popularity of computer
games
Use synonyms
 among
adults
Use synonyms
. Chief of these is that those
games
Use synonyms
 are generally considered an effortless source of entertainment. Given that most
adults
Use synonyms
 have to work long hours, they often lack the
time
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 and physical strength to pursue active pastimes like biking or playing sports,
Therefore
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, many workers
chose
Wrong verb form
choose
show examples
 to seek entertainment from video
games
Use synonyms
 because they
could
Wrong verb form
can
show examples
 play anytime and
required
Wrong verb form
require
show examples
 little to no effort from the players. Added to
this
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 is the fact that many
games
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 are catered to
adults
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 and contain various fascinating features to attract players.
For instance
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, Grand Theft Auto is an action game which is popular among people for its thrilling gameplay, which includes a wide variety of stimulating activities like shooting and racing.
While
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 I acknowledge that video
games
Use synonyms
 can help
adults
Use synonyms
 unwind after stressful work hours, I would argue that
this
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 trend can bring in its wake many problems.
To begin
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 with, people who spend excessive
time
Use synonyms
 playing virtual
games
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 may easily become addicted to them. These game addicts may sit in front of their computers for hours and refuse to partake in outdoor activities.
This
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 may lead to a sedentary lifestyle,
along with
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 various health issues
such
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 as obesity and
lacking
Wrong verb form
a lack of
show examples
 concentration.
In addition
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, some people may give up quality
time
Use synonyms
 with their families and friends just to focus on playing
games
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 can sever their personal relationships and damage their social skills,
thus
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 potentially causing them to develop mental health illnesses. In summary, many
adults
Use synonyms
 enjoy playing computer
games
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due to
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 their easiness and appealing aspects, and it is my conviction that
this
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 trend is fundamentally negative
due to
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 the adverse effects it can bring about to some individual's lives.
Submitted by nguyenbuiminhu on

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coherence cohesion
The logical structure is good, but some paragraphs could benefit from clearer transitions between points.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present and fulfill their purposes effectively.
coherence cohesion
The main points are well supported with relevant examples and details.
task achievement
The response provides a clear and complete answer to all parts of the task.
task achievement
The essay presents clear and comprehensive ideas and arguments.
task achievement
The relevant examples and details provided effectively support the writer's position.
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