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Writing Samples
Band 5

Successful sports professionals can earn a great deal more money than any other important professionals. Some people think it is justified while others think it is unfair. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

#sports #professionals #money #people
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Well-achieved athletes can have a great deal of earning huge amounts of money, compared to any other essential
workers
Use synonyms
.
Accordingly
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, it sparks heated opinions from two sides of views, the agreeing and the disagreeing. The agreeing one would think that it is fair and well-earned for the sake of the athlete's livelihood, but the disagreeing one thinks
this
Linking Words
 is unfair and unjustified. The livelihood of an athlete is a long history of pain and sacrifice because many do not understand the hardship and
work
Use synonyms
 they
had
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 to do to achieve the best performance.
Moreover
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, many of them have to choose to start early on their practice or
work
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 harder twice when they are older to pursue the immense ability one could offer. Even though it is
also
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 a privilege to start practice early because it is connected with the family's background or their
economic's
Change noun form
economic
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 condition.
Furthermore
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, when they become older, usually over 35 years old, and
had
Wrong verb form
have
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 to pension, many of the athletes do not have an undergraduate degree to
work
Use synonyms
 a proper job.
Also
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, sometimes the government does not want to support them anymore so they had to
work
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 their asses off to pay their bill.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, considering athletes as unessential
workers
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 and only giving benefits to the country's pride, it does not make sense to give them a huge amount of money, especially if the more important
workers
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 suffer from underpayment.
For example
Linking Words
, it already
happens
Wrong verb form
happened
show examples
 in Indonesia after the
last
Linking Words
held
Verb problem
apply
show examples
Asian games, the government gives several million to the winners of the respective sports, even though, doctors, teachers, and other important
workers
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 do not get a proper wage for their huge responsibilities. In conclusion, I agree with giving the athlete an immense bonus if they win and
also
Linking Words
 paying them a standardized wage for life.
Besides
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,
also
Linking Words
 gives them proper education and training to
work
Use synonyms
 in society normally after their end careers.
Submitted by ftm.zahroh on

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task response
Ensure that all ideas and arguments directly relate to the essay prompt and provide a balanced discussion of both views.
coherence cohesion
Use clear and logical transitions between ideas and paragraphs to improve the flow of the essay.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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