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Band 4.5

Some people think the best way to reduce crime is to give longer prison sentences. Others, however, think there are better alternative ways to reduce crime. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #crime #prison #sentences #alternative
Punishment for crimes had existed for a long
time
 ago ,from beating the criminal to giving a death sentence . Nowadays ,
imprisoning
Replace the word
imprisonment
show examples
 has become the most common way to punish a guilty person .
However
 , many
people
 have held
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
controversy , in which discussing
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
its
effective
Replace the word
effectiveness
show examples
 against
criminals
 . So in
this
 essay , I will give my idea about
this
 theme and discuss whether keeping prisoners for an amount of
time
 really
bring
Change the verb form
brings
show examples
 out the benefits . Many
people
 trust that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 of a nation sentencing
longer
Correct article usage
a longer
show examples
time
 in
prison
 can decline its
country
Change noun form
country's
show examples
crime
rate
 .
As the
Change preposition
The
show examples
method
 act as a deterrent and warning which can fear
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
would-be
criminals
 and
people
 who want to be a lawbreaker . But I can sympathize
for
Change preposition
with
show examples
 the idea because
this
 approach can bring out many benefits
as for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 the short term .
This
method
 can apply psychological effects on
people
 attempting to commit an offence . Yet ,
this
 idea is not really rational for the following reasons : +
First
 , the root of offences came from poor ,
Correct your spelling
ineffective
show examples
uneffective
Correct your spelling
ineffective
show examples
 social welfare when they not supporting the homeless .
Then
 they were forced to commit a
crime
as a result
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 being backed into a corner and becoming
an
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
extremists who see
prison
 as their shelter +The
second
factors
Fix the agreement mistake
factor
show examples
 is that the government
hard
Correct your spelling
had
show examples
 to
addressing
Wrong verb form
address
show examples
 different
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 between petty and serious crimes .Especially ,
people
Correct your spelling
committing
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
 in fraction do not go to jail . +The final reason I want to discuss
that
Add a missing verb
is that
show examples
 the re-commit
crime
rate
 may not reduce as the
criminals
 are familiar with the structure of the
prison
 .
Moreover
 ,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
serious
crime
 offenders can create a
crime
 network right inside the
prison
 . Once they are
being
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
released back into
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society .
For example
 , the punishment for drug
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
show examples
 in Vietnam is very heavy , which
include
Correct subject-verb agreement
includes
show examples
 death sentences .
This
 act
as
Correct your spelling
was
show examples
 a warning toward the
civillian
Correct your spelling
civilian
 but the drug system still appeared as
theirs
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 former
Correct your spelling
drug
druh
Correct your spelling
drug
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
show examples
 had created a
crime
 network inside the
prison
 when the wardens and the
prison
 rules are loose and full of briberies.
On the other hand
 , I held a firm
believe
Replace the word
belief
show examples
 that other
method
Fix the agreement mistake
methods
show examples
 for punishment should
be carry
Change the verb form
be carried
show examples
 out which are more effective rather than increasing longer
time
 in
prison
 . The best
method
 to punish
criminal
Fix the agreement mistake
criminals
show examples
 is to educate them and
furthermore
 , educate every
children
Change to a singular noun
child
show examples
 about laws and policies as well as the heavy impact
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
Correct your spelling
committing
commiting
Correct your spelling
committing
an offences
Correct the article-noun agreement
offences
an offence
show examples
.
This
 will bring out the result that the
crime
rate
 might decline as children will automatically
Correct your spelling
spread
speard
Correct your spelling
spread
 their surroundings
people
 about the responsibility with laws . As for
criminals
 , when being well-educated , they hardly commit
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 again . A case in point is that offenders in many nations are rarely to
Correct your spelling
recommit
show examples
re -commit
Correct your spelling
re-commit
show examples
 after being taught in
prison
 .
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
Futhermore
Correct your spelling
Furthermore
,
other methods
Fix the agreement mistake
another method
show examples
 which are
prove
Correct your spelling
proven
show examples
 to be effective
is
Correct your spelling
in
show examples
 improving social welfare policies . Mainly focusing
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 ameliorating poor
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 lives by
offer
Replace the word
offering
show examples
 opportunities for stable jobs . An example is that in some
develop
Replace the word
developed
show examples
 countries with good living
standard
Fix the agreement mistake
standards
show examples
,
crime
rate
Fix the agreement mistake
rates
show examples
 tend to be lower than in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
under -developed
Correct your spelling
underdeveloped
show examples
 countries To sum up , I think that imprisonment should be replaced by
others
Fix the agreement mistake
other methods
show examples
method
 that can bring out better results .
Moreover
 , every nation has to be responsible for taking care
for
Change preposition
of
show examples
 their
people
 to reduce the criminal
rate
 caused by
poor
Add an article
the poor
a poor
show examples
 social welfare system
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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