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Writing Samples
Band 6

In today’s world, people spend a lot of money on appearance because they want to look younger. Why does this happen? Do you think this is a positive or negative development?

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Nowadays, there are a
lot
Use synonyms
 of
people
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 who spend a
lot
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 of money to change their looks
due to
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 looking younger. Because
people
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 think that if they look elderly, others do not think they are not beautiful. I am inclined to believe that changing your appearance sometimes leads to physical and psychological problems so it is a negative development. First of all,
people
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's skins are harmed because some cosmetic products include harmful and chemical materials. In
the
Correct article usage
apply
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other words,
although
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 these products provide to look younger, some of them can contain high amounts of acid.
Moreover
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, burns can occur on their faces in unconscious and excessive use.
For instance
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,
last
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 year, some
people
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 complained about NewLab which is a famous brand in Turkey. When they use their acidic serums to look younger, some burns and rashes
appeared
Wrong verb form
appear
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 on their faces.
In addition
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, when they went to the doctor, they found out that they had severe burns on their faces. They started treatment and most of them are still undergoing
this
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 treatment.
Thus
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, these products may cause skin diseases.
Secondly
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, making an effort to look young has a negative impact on
people
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's psychology. Most of them are obsessed with looking young.
This
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 obsession puts them under pressure. They are afraid of getting old so they
spent
Wrong verb form
spend
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 a
lot
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 of money on their appearance.
For example
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, when a middle-aged is criticized for the wrinkles on her face, she starts to see it as a problem.
However
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, as everyone gets older, wrinkles are normal.
Thus
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,
this
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 obsession with looking young will ruin
people
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's psychology.
To conclude
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, some
people
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 tend to spend a
lot
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 of money and make an effort to change from their aged appearance to a younger
looking
Replace the word
look
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.
However
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, it causes physical and psychological problems.
Furthermore
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, it is predictable that
although
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 it is unfortunate, the number of
people
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 who strive to look young will increase over time.

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task response
The essay partially addresses the task. It should give more attention to the drawbacks of spending money on appearance and provide a balanced perspective on the positive and negative aspects.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are present, but the logical structure could be improved. The essay lacks clear topic sentences for each paragraph, leading to some confusion.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural and social pressure
  • Youth and beauty glorification
  • Technological advancements
  • Anti-aging treatments
  • Skincare
  • Cosmetic procedures
  • Self-esteem and confidence
  • Self-improvement
  • Self-care
  • Unrealistic beauty standards
  • Superficiality
  • Financial strain
  • Consumption and dissatisfaction
  • Psychological effects
  • Anxiety and depression
  • Body dysmorphobia
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