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Writing Samples
Band 5

People can eat a wide variety of food that can be grown from other areas. As a results, people eat more food produced in other regions than local food. Do you think the advantage of this tend outweigh the disadvantage?

#people #variety #food #areas #results #regions #advantage #tend
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Thanks to developed transportation, many
foods
 are exchanged and
people
 enjoy various
foods
 within their homeland. It may contribute
people
 to
less consume
Wrong verb form
consuming
show examples
 local
foods
. In my opinion, having
foods
 regardless of origin could bring more benefits than negative aspects.
This
 is because
people
 could have meals in cheaper and more nutritional ways compared to the past.
Firstly
,
people
 would buy many kinds of cheaper
foods
 by importing inexpensive ingredients. The price of the specific food is different depending on the temperature or labour costs of each country.
Hence
, they can get the same kind of grocery, but at less cost.
Also
, providers might
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
 in competitions to get more profits when the market grows bigger. They may want to attract consumers by providing good quality
foods
 at reasonable prices. It means there are more chances that
people
 could have competitive
foods
. In
this
 context, eating a variety of meals might be advantageous to
people
.
Secondly
,
people
 can access more nutritional
foods
 rather than stick
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
with their own traditional
foods
. Even though citizens of a nation get sufficient nutrition from their own ingredients, some countries might not have enough to provide nutrition to their
people
due to
 temperature. In some areas, the temperature is so low or high that different kinds of
foods
 cannot grow.
In other words
, not all countries can harvest a variety of
foods
 with many ingredients.
Then
, they have limitations
to gain
Change preposition
in gaining
show examples
 nutritional groceries except for importing them from other regions. In
this
 context, I personally think that having more variety of
foods
 can have more benefits than demerits.
This
 is because it contributes
people
 to having inexpensive and nutritional
foods
.
Submitted by erimkim on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the logical structure of the essay by providing clearer topic sentences for each paragraph and ensuring a smooth flow of ideas.
task response
Focus on fully addressing the prompt by providing a more balanced discussion of the advantages and disadvantages of consuming non-local food. Additionally, provide more specific examples to support your points and ensure that all ideas are clearly explained.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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