IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Society is becoming obssesd with material goods like fast cars, designer cothes and flashy jewellery. We have stopped caring about importatnt things and this is why divorce rates are so high and family bonds are not as strong anymore; our value system is disintegrating. To what extend do you agree or disagree?

#society #obssesd #goods #cars #designer #cothes #jewellery #importatnt #divorce #rates #bonds #value #system
In
this
 day and
age
Add a comma
,age
show examples
people
 are working more and more and their
life
Replace the word
lives
show examples
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 become very
fast- paced
Correct your spelling
fast-paced
show examples
. They really often forget about real values
such
 as family or friends and
instead
 of that they focus on material goods and the amount of
money
 they earn.
This
 essay will discuss why
unrestrained
Add an article
the unrestrained
show examples
 need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
money
 can
cause
disintegration
Correct article usage
the disintegration
show examples
 of
system
Add an article
the system
show examples
 but will
also
 show that
money
 can bring happiness without having
bad
Add an article
a bad
show examples
 influence on
family
Add an article
the family
show examples
. Nowadays, usually both parents have to
work
 to support the family. It causes
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
a lot of children bring up in loneliness or with those who don’t give them enough attention.
Fast
Add an article
The fast
show examples
 pace of life
cause
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
people
work
 longer hours than ever before and they don’t have any strength for any other activities after
work
. If we want our family to
work
 well, we have to care about it,
spend
Correct word choice
and spend
show examples
 time with our relatives. The lack of talks about needs and problems will
cause
 that family bonds will be getting more and weaker and in the
end
Add a comma
,end
show examples
 it can
cause
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 family breakdown. Children who don’t get enough love in their childhood
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 will have problems with building valuable and durable relationships and they will likely pass the mistakes of their parents to the
next
 generation.
On the other hand
, I believe that
money
 can bring happiness and it doesn't have to be connected to the enormous amount of working hours. In
this
 day and age,
people
 are getting more and more aware of the importance of mental health and
work
-life balance. More and more
people
 decide to start
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
therapy and deal with their traumas and problems. I truly believe that it is possible to enjoy material goods
such
 as fast cars or expensive watches and at the same time care about the ones you love. It requires a lot of
work
, attention and the ability to set your own boundaries, but it is possible. To conclude, the desire for
money
 can
has
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 a really bad influence on modern families. There is a thin line between working to support the family and workaholism. If we are not aware of
danger
Add an article
the danger
show examples
, we will likely destroy our family.
However
, nowadays we have some tools which can help us to specify our priorities, have
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 right
work
-life balance and enjoy material goods as well as successful family life.
Submitted by mbin on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: