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Band 4.5

Nowadays many people complain that they have difficulties getting enough sleep. What problem can lack of sleep cause? What can be done about lack of sleep?

#people #difficulties #lack
These days , in
this
 competitive world
people
 are busier than past . They have to spend more
time
 working and studying
instead
 of sleeping .
Although
 ,
people
 are becoming more successful in technology they would not have a healthy
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
.
people
 are working more than usual
time
 to make money for a comfortable
life
 but it might cause sleeping problems
therefore
Add the comma(s)
,therefore
show examples
 , their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
 do not have enough rest and after a while, they would not have enough energy to work .
Moreover
 , enough sleep may help to have a better quality of
life
 because they would wake up happier when they had enough sleep
thus
 it helps them to have a better feel during the day .
Finally
 , it has an extraordinary effect on their
life
 span . In the
last
 survey of scientists
people
 who did not have sufficient sleep had a shorter
life
 span ,they said lack of sleep would affect brain activity and after a while, their brain will not command other parts of
body
Correct article usage
the body
show examples
therefore
Add the comma(s)
,therefore
show examples
, the whole
body
 performance might be interrupted.
First
 of all , I believe it is really important
people
 have a great timetable to manage their
time
 it would help them to decrease their waste
time
Change preposition
of time
show examples
.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 governments can do a good role in their
people
's
life
 if they focus on
people
Change noun form
people's
show examples
 performance
instead
 of
time
. In another word, they should encourage
people
 to make new ways to do work which are easier and faster
instead
 of working long hours without any creative ideas.
Therefore
 it would not happen unless they have enough sleep and an open mind . In conclusion ,
people
 with a healthy
life style
Correct your spelling
lifestyle
show examples
 have better performance in their
life
 and
also
 have a longer
life
 span .
Submitted by Nedjoo on

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Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Insomnia
  • Sleep deprivation
  • Sleep disorders
  • Sleep quality
  • Fatigue
  • Exhaustion
  • Restless
  • Restorative sleep
  • REM sleep
  • Circadian rhythm
  • Sleep hygiene
  • Napping
  • Sleep duration
  • Melatonin
  • Sleep-inducing
  • Drowsiness
  • Sleep disturbances
  • Obstructive sleep apnea
  • Snoring
  • Sleepwalking
  • Sleep talking
  • Shift work
  • Sleeping pills
  • Sleep aid
  • Relaxation techniques
  • Meditation
  • Deep breathing
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