IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

young people who commit crimes should be treated the same as adults by the authorities. to what extend do you agree or dis agree?

#people #crimes #adults #authorities #dis
1. The weakening of
Timurids
 was closely related to
“social
Correct article usage
the “social
show examples
 sickness” period.
This
 means that the members are overdependent
with
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the Timur. After the death of Timur, the
state
 lost its previous power and weakened. After the
weaking
Correct your spelling
weakening
 of
Timurids
, Shirvanshahs
state
 gained its independence.
Moreover
, in the initial period of
15th
Correct article usage
the 15th
show examples
 century, there was a battle between
Timurids
Correct article usage
the Timurids
show examples
 and Karagoyunlu. After
this
 battle,
Timurids
 departed from Azerbaijan and eventually,
Karagoyunlu
Correct article usage
the Karagoyunlu
show examples
state
established
Add a missing verb
was established
show examples
 in Azerbaijan in 1410. 2.
Trabzon
 issue was between the Akgoyunlu and
Ottoman
empire
Fix the agreement mistake
empires
show examples
. Christian kingdom on the very strategic trade root. Akgoyunlu
state
 mainly focused on the Christian kingdom of
Trabzon
 because it was a unique chance to the Black Sea.
Moreover
, Uzun Hassan wanted to amplify his dominance over
Trabzon
.
However
,
Ottoman
Correct article usage
the Ottoman
show examples
empire
 tried to send their forces to
Trabzon
 which led to the confrontation between Akgoyunlu and
Ottoman
empire
. After marriage diplomacy, in 1465, the battle was
end
Change the verb form
to end
ending
show examples
 up with the triumph of
Ottoman
Correct article usage
the Ottoman
show examples
empire
. 3. After the reign of Uzun Hassan, the Akkoyunlu
state
demolished
Add a missing verb
was demolished
show examples
 due to the fact that the members’ overdependence on the governor. There appeared to be other causes
such
 as civil and incapable heirs that led to the rise of
Safavid
Correct article usage
the Safavid
show examples
empire
.
Safavid
Correct article usage
The Safavid
show examples
empire
 strengthened during the reign of Ismail I and Tahmasib I. Rise of
Safavid
Correct article usage
the Safavid
show examples
was closely equate
Change the verb form
was closely equated
show examples
 to their religious belief
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
Twelvier
Correct your spelling
Twelver
 Shiism. Shiism shaped cultural traditions as well as intellectual development. In the period of Tahmasib I, he expanded the territory
until
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the Caucasus Mountains.
Submitted by unalhuseynli2 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: