IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

In some country, young people are not only richer, but also safer and healthier than ever before however, they are less happy what do you think are the causes of this? What solution do you suggest?

#country #people
It is an undeniable fact that nowadays in some
nation
Fix the agreement mistake
nations
show examples
,
young
Add an article
the young
show examples
 generation
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not only
weltyer
Correct your spelling
welter
water
 but
also
 safer and healthier than ever before. They are less happy.
This
 essay will discuss various reasons behind
this
 trend and give some
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to tackle
this
 issue. on the one hand, there are many reasons behind
this
 scenario.
Firstly
, they have become more materialistic to explain,nowadays
majority
Correct article usage
the majority
show examples
 of
Add an article
the youngster
a youngster
show examples
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
, mostly like to on their luxurious item. They mostly spend their
time
 on gadgets so
as a result
, they do not give importance to their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
,
they
Correct word choice
and they
show examples
 come under stress and depression.
Moreover
,
youngster
Fix the agreement mistake
youngsters
show examples
 have
excessive
Add an article
an excessive
the excessive
show examples
workload
Fix the agreement mistake
workloads
show examples
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 their work and study. Some young
people
 do excessive work to earn money. They
do
Change the verb
are
show examples
 not able to spend their
time
 with family.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
 young
people
 had
stress
Add an article
the stress
show examples
of
Change preposition
from
show examples
 their
study
Fix the agreement mistake
studies
show examples
, so
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
result
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their
relation
, get it disturbed
However
, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 some
solution
Fix the agreement mistake
solutions
show examples
 to solve
this
 problem.
Firstly
, they should adopt simple life to elaborate, when
people
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
leaving simple life in the past, they were happy with their
relation
Replace the word
relationships
show examples
 as well as work. If
people
 adopt
simple
Correct article usage
a simple
show examples
 lifestyle, they do not always try to show off they will become happy towards watch their family.
Furthermore
,
people
 can spend their
time
 with the family by going to trip, they can make their
relation
Replace the word
relationship
show examples
 better with family by organizing some occasions. To conclude young
people
 have become more realistic and they have excessive
workload
Fix the agreement mistake
workloads
show examples
 are the reason
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
this
 problem
however
Add the comma(s)
,however
show examples
, they can remain happy if they adopt simple life and start spending
time
 with each other
Submitted by manpreetjoshan77 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: