IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Nowadays people depend on technology for leisure activities. Is this a positive or negative development?

#people #technology #leisure #activities #development
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It is an undeniable fact that the world has witnessed a momentous technological leap in recent years as
this
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 has shaped how
people
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 spend their spare time on modern devices.
Although
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 there are some merits of using these / state-of-the-art tools for entertainment purposes, I would argue that drawbacks are of greater significance. On the one hand, there are a host of benefits arising from
this
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 tendency. Chief among these is that
people
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 can simply catch up latest trends or up-to-date news
while
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 surfing the internet whenever they want. By way of illustration, social media is now playing an indispensable role in exploring the common things between
people
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 or presenting an event that attracts a huge amount of engagement, which is often shared by online users. Another benefit inherited from
this
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 approach is that
people
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 can freely attain innovative knowledge which is related to their hobbies during their free time.
Consequently
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, the findings for precious information that they desire to look up not only enhance their cognitive development but
also
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 ease their mind with curiousness being tackled in the meantime. Notwithstanding those above-mentioned advantages, I would maintain that the benefits have prevailed over the downsides. One of the most compelling reasons is that a mass amount of time can be wasted
due to
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 the endless entertainment on online media platforms.
This
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 can result in a lack of / a dearth of/ the scarcity of prowess to manage a timetable to sustain their daily routine, which can constantly make a person keep procrastinating everything without proper motivation. To add
further
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 credence to my assertion, taking advantage of electronic devices even outside the workforce can make a person feel isolated from contemporary society.
Consequently
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, without awareness of
this
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 false misleading or having appropriate treatments, the individual is easily prone to depression, even autism. In conclusion, there are major benefits of applying technology to entertainment-related activities/ leisure pursuits like keeping oneself up with the trends and searching freely for information that broadens the mind.
However
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, its drawbacks like being time-consuming and the problem of isolating from society should be taken into close consideration.
Submitted by vohoangthienan2610 on

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Introduction and Conclusion
The introduction lacks clarity and does not clearly state the position of the writer. Try to clearly present the stance in the introduction.
Coherence and Cohesion
The essay has a clear structure and the points are logically connected, but there is room for improvement in the coherence and flow of ideas. Transition words and phrases can be used to improve the coherence.
Supported Main Points
The main points are well-supported with relevant examples, but try to ensure that all examples directly relate to the main points for better clarity and coherence.
Task Achievement
The essay provides a comprehensive response to the question, addressing both the positive and negative aspects. However, the position of the writer could be stated more clearly in the introduction.
Clear and Comprehensive Ideas
The ideas are generally clear and relevant, but ensure that the examples provided directly support the main points for better coherence and clarity.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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