IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4.5

Longer life spans and improvements in the health of older people suggest that people over the age of sixty-five can continue to live full and active lives. In what step can society benefit from the contribution that older people can make?

#life #improvements #health #people #age #sixty-five #lives #step #society #benefit #contribution
Our parents and grandparents are full of experiences and
knowledge
 which they
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
learnt from their life.
There
Correct your spelling
Their
show examples
 precious suggestions and guidance from their life experiences is very essential for all of us to
fulfill
Change the spelling
fulfil
show examples
 admires and for
betterment
Add an article
the betterment
show examples
 of
society
 too. In upcoming paragraphs, understand
it's
Correct your spelling
its
show examples
necessity
Add an article
a necessity
show examples
.
First
 of all, the priceless suggestions and
strageties
Correct your spelling
strategies
 to run the
bussiness
Correct your spelling
business
,
family
Correct word choice
and family
show examples
 and maintain stability in
working
Add an article
the working
show examples
field
 these all are gained my
age
, and as a learner, we all need
people
 in our
society
 who
full
Add a missing verb
are full
show examples
 of
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 in every
field
 who check and instruct
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
individuals.
For example
, 70
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
businessmann
Correct your spelling
businessman
businessmen
 and stock
market
Fix the agreement mistake
markets
show examples
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people
 of
age
 above 70 because of their long experience in
single
Add an article
the single
show examples
field
 come up with
Add an article
a
show examples
wide range of
knowledge
 and secrets in that particular
field
 which
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 not
eventhough
Correct your spelling
even though
 taught in the
universitites
Correct your spelling
universities
 nor in the books
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but gained from practical
knowledge
. Not only that
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but most importantly the contribution of older
people
 in the
field
 of organ donation is
also
 increased rapidly. 40 years ago,
this
 was not the case, but now in
these
Change the determiner
this day
these days
show examples
day
Add a comma
,day
show examples
 80
percent
Change the spelling
per cent
show examples
 of
older
Correct article usage
the older
show examples
 masses already signed
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
an
show examples
 agreement of donating their
desire
Replace the word
desired
show examples
 part of the body to someone in
this
society
 who needs it.
This
 is
incredible
Add an article
an incredible
the incredible
show examples
 step taken by our old
age
people
 to give
the
Correct article usage
a
show examples
 better life to someone and keeps
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 happy and healthy. In conclusion, older
people
helps
Change the verb form
help
show examples
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
 in every way either in
context
Add an article
the context
show examples
 of
knowledge
, guidance or in the way of donations.
Society
 will always get fruitful results from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
old
age
people
.
Submitted by Jott on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: