IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

As a result of electronic inventions such as the computer and television, people do less physical activity, and this is having a negative effects on their health. To what extent do you agree or disagree.

#inventions #computer #television #people #activity #effects #health
In the past few decades, there is a considerable inclination
of
Change preposition
toward
show examples
technology
 day by day. With regarding
this
, in today's
age
Add a comma
,age
show examples
 individuals do not play physical activity and they have more time
utilise
Fix the infinitive
to utilise
show examples
on
Change preposition
apply
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electronic
devices
 like mobiles and televisions
however
Add the comma(s)
,however
show examples
, it is a detrimental impact on their health. I partially agree with
this
 notion and my view regarding
this
, which I would be elaborated
in
Change preposition
on in
show examples
 upcoming paragraphs with relevant examples. To commence with, what are the disadvantages
to
Change preposition
of
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high
Correct article usage
the high
show examples
 use of electronic
devices
? The predominant point is that citizens will diminish
eyesight
Correct pronoun usage
their eyesight
show examples
. To elaborate
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
, people would more time spend on electronic
devices
however
 they do not think it provides harmful raises that are not better for
eyes
Correct article usage
the eyes
show examples
hence
, old age individuals should teach their children about
this
Correct determiner usage
these
show examples
 things. To cite a relevant example, a survey was conducted by
health
Add an article
the health
show examples
 department, according to which, 70% of students are using
gogles
Correct your spelling
goggles
googles
 when they study at school because of more time spent on mobile phones and laptops.
On the other hand
, there are various merits for youngsters to use electronic
devices
.
First
 and foremost is that teenagers will easily set
their
Change preposition
up their
show examples
business
Fix the agreement mistake
businesses
show examples
 after
completed
Wrong verb form
completing
show examples
 higher education. To explain it, nowadays, all businessman are starting their business with the help of
technology
 and they work easily sit at home
hence
,
that is
 totally
depend
Replace the word
dependent
show examples
 on new
technology
.
For instance
, a report
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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published by the tribune,
it
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 reveals that 85% of inhabitants are working at home
through
Change preposition
with
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 the laptop and other
technology
 gadgets and they easily earn
high
Add an article
a high
show examples
income
Fix the agreement mistake
incomes
show examples
. To conclude, there
are
Change the verb form
is
show examples
 myriad
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
benefits to
use
Wrong verb form
using
show examples
 electronic
devices
such
 as
earn
Wrong verb form
earning
show examples
 higher income and
start
Wrong verb form
starting
show examples
 their own business via network
nevertheless
, it's demerits can not be neglected.
Submitted by baljindersamra29 on

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