IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

Success is often measured in terms of how much money somebody has earned. Do you think wealth is a good meausre of success? How else could we measure whether somebody is successful or not?

#success #terms #money #somebody #wealth #meausre #measure
Money
, throughout the ages, has been an essential part of human life. In today's
world
 as well, the amount of wealth owned by an individual demonstrates one's accomplishment. In
this
 essay, I will explain how
money
 and success are correlated , and the view I hold about the other factors which make a successful human being. Undoubtedly, in the competitive
world
, monetary success determines the success of a
person
. The richer a
person
 is , the more he can fulfil his own and his family's desires. When somebody has the power to buy anything, anytime, and anywhere,
this
 buying power not only gives instant gratification but
also
 a sense of achievement. A wealthy man has a far-reaching influence on society as a whole. Take Tesla's billionaire CEO, Elon Musk, as an example. His, constant, interference in the USA's space research policies is unprecedented. The USA's reliance on Elon Musk's financing of space research has impacted the government's independent space policy. The achievement of a
person
 can be measured by his influence on society, clearly, the rich have unmatched influence. If a
person
 loses
money
, one loses nothing, but if a
person
 loses character, one loses everything;
once
Correct word choice
as
show examples
 a wise
person
 said. If a rich man is a sinner or involved in other misconducts,
money
 may not be helpful for him or her in earning a respectful position among the masses.
On the other hand
, a
person
 relatively weaker in financial position but having good conduct would be more satisfied and successful. Former president of South Africa, Nelson Mandela,
for instance
, spent all his life for a cause; equality among all races.
Although
 he is not present today in
this
world
, the public still remembers him with a good name. There are tens of hundreds of
such
 personalities who spent their lives for a noble purpose, and they are still remembered as successful people and leaders. Indeed,
money
 is imperative for being a successful
person
.
However
, if a
person
's conduct and their services to humanity and the
world
 make them immortal in history.
Therefore
, history always glorifies the people whose conduct was exceptional towards humanity, but the rich are remembered until they are alive.
Submitted by kamran_lashari81 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task response
The essay addresses the prompt and discusses the connection between money and success, providing examples and supporting ideas. However, the essay lacks clarity in explaining the alternative measures of success.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-presented, providing a clear structure to the essay. The logical flow of ideas within paragraphs is generally good, but some points could be further connected to improve coherence.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: