IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some feel that punishment should focus more on rehabilitation instead of long prison terms. Others feel prison terms are important for social stability. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

Due to
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 the rapid spread of violent scenes through films and TV programs at an alarming rate, the
crime
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 rate
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also
Verb problem
is also
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increases
Wrong verb form
increasing
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 these days. Some people argue that the best way to inhibit offences is to lock up the
criminals
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, but others insist that it is necessary to educate
criminals
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 not to commit crimes again. The aim of
this
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 essay is to explore both points of view and elucidate my opinion in the following paragraphs. First of all, we need to apply strong punishments, not only
the
Correct word order
should the criminals
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criminals
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 should pay for their sins
but
Punctuation problem
, but
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also
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 we can stop potential crimes. Unlike in old times, we no longer implement
the
Correct article usage
apply
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principle
Fix the agreement mistake
principles
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such
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 as "an eye for an eye", which means if I have killed someone, I should die in return. Rather than that, the modern penalty system depends on imprisonment since we even respect the rights of prisoners.
Therefore
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, it is indisputably important that every convict should be secluded from society so that we can achieve social justice.
On the other hand
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, it needs to be considered that imprisonment is not the best way to reform their misdemeanours. Some studies show that people learn new methods of
crime
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 in prisons as they live together.
Consequently
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, the proposal to transform the way of edifying them rather than punishing them is convincing.
For example
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, some advanced countries
such
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 as Denmark and Sweden are running so-called "living prisons
"
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",
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which means
criminals
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 could learn new life skills to prepare for themselves after discharge
and
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, and
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 it has been very
successful
Punctuation problem
successful,
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 as the
crime
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 rate has sharply decreased.
To sum up
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, it is irrefutable that we have to pursue a
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crime-zero
Use the right word
crime-free
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 society, because we want to make our communities safe.
However
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, if we put our efforts too much only to
penalize
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penalise
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 them, we might
make driving
Wrong verb form
drive
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 them again into the dark corner of
crime
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. I personally support that
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 and specialists all together work together
how
Rephrase
apply
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to educate so that they can overcome the temptation of
crime
Use synonyms
.

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coherence
Put one main idea in each part and end it with a short line that shows why it is true.
cohesion
Use easy link words like and, but, so to join ideas.
structure
Make a short plan in the start. Tell what you will talk about and what you think.
grammar
Check small grammar and spelling so the read is smooth.
examples
Use real examples that the reader can get, and keep it clear.
content
The essay talks about both sides and gives your view at the end.
structure
There is a clear path from start to end.
examples
A real country is used as an example.
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