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Band 3.5

Nowadays, obesity is increasing in a rapid pace. The reasons of it and how to tackle this issue

#obesity #pace
obesity
 is one of the
common
Correct quantifier usage
most common
show examples
disease
Change to a plural noun
diseases
show examples
 that happened
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
all over the world. even
obesity
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 compared with smoking as a reason
penyebab
Change preposition
for penyebab
show examples
 kematian.
this
 issue
need
Change the verb form
needs
show examples
 to be solved as soon as possible to reduce the
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
show examples
 of deaths because of
obesity
 from my perspective, tools for us to get
foods
Fix the agreement mistake
food
show examples
 are way easier than what we do back
then
. we can just buy many frozen foods from any
supermarkets
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarket
show examples
. even nowadays, we can order food by using our
gadget
Fix the agreement mistake
gadgets
show examples
 in an instant. there is
also
 some campaign
who
Correct pronoun usage
that
show examples
 say,being big is a new beauty. it could mislead many
people
 and
resulting
Wrong verb form
result
show examples
 all
people
 will eat as many as they like even though it's bad for their life.
i
Change the capitalization
I
show examples
 believe to prevent
this
 issue, we have to handle
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eating habits
since
Change preposition
from
show examples
early
Add an article
an early
show examples
 age. the closest circle which is
family
Correct article usage
the family
show examples
 need to pay attention to their
kids
Change to a genitive case
kid's
kids'
show examples
 food intake. it will help them avoid having
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
bad
habit
Fix the agreement mistake
habits
show examples
 in the future.
government
Add an article
the government
show examples
also
 need to build a campaign so
people
 are aware of
this
 issue and take action seriously. we have to awaken
people
 so they to conclude, we have to realize that
obesity
 is very dangerous for our health. we have
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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