IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that there could be more benefit to society if more people studied business than history.To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #benefit #society #business #history
Some
people
 argue that studying
business
 is more advantageous for the community than studying
history
. I completely agree with
this
 statement because
knowledge
 of
business
Add a missing verb
is
show examples
robably
Correct your spelling
probably
 going to help you get a job or start a new
business
;
moreover
,
business
knowledge
 is essential for the economic
development
 of the county. On the one hand,
people
's
business
knowledge
 is crucial for the county's economic
development
. Globalization and new technology have changed the world tremendously, and
as a result
, modern
business
 methods and platforms have evolved.
Therefore
, to succeed in
business
, learning
business
 strategies is required.
For example
,
success
Add an article
the success
show examples
 of
business
 strategies in China ,
such
 as online trading, they have become the world's largest economy.
However
, learning
history
 does not contribute to economic
development
.
Although
history
 reveals our ancient methods of doing
business
 and trading success, almost all of these strategies are obsolete and far less effective than modern ones.
On the other hand
, opportunities can be created by learning
business
 rather
thaemployers
Correct your spelling
than employees
.  In the job market,
business
 skills and
knowledge
 are highly valued by employers  and
thus
studens
Correct your spelling
students
student
 who learn
business
 can get a job easier than those who studied
history
.
Furthermore
,
people
 with
business
knowledge
 can start their own
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
, find raw materials and customers, and eventually expand their
business
 overseas; whereas,
history
Change preposition
in history
show examples
 leaners, only a few
people
 have
the
Add a missing verb
had the
show examples
 opportunity to start their own
company
Fix the agreement mistake
companies
show examples
 because they have not considered how
to
Fix the infinitive
apply
show examples
compete with other companies or attract new customers. In conclusion, learning
business
 is more important than learning
history
, because learning
business
 may directly involve the
development
 of the economy in a country. Aside from that, learning businesses create more opportunities than studying
history
.
Submitted by bambarandahb on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

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