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Band 5

Some people think young people should follow the traditions of their society. Others think that they should be free to behave as individuals. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #traditions #society #individuals
Since the world has developed, citizens have their own right to behave in the way that they are,
while
 some individuals still follow the old traditional culture. Lots of younger generations
start
Wrong verb form
started
show examples
 to step out of their own safe zone and started to create new
traditions
.
This
 essay will discuss both perspectives in
this
 statement. First of all, following older generations can easily make
society
 accepted.
This
 is because old
traditions
 have been established for
long
Correct article usage
a long
show examples
 period, which every person already approved and accepted.
However
, most parents teach children to follow the
traditions
 of
society
 because they believe that
traditions
 are correct.
Thus
, following the old culture will easily live in
society
easier
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
because each one is accepted.
On the other hand
, individuals have the right to choose what they want. Everyone should respect each other decisions and not judge each other by appearance only.
Furthermore
, having their own freedom to choose what to be can reduce a person's stress.
This
 is because lots of people get damaged by
society
's pressure because of the
traditions
 of
society
.
Moreover
, in some serious cases can escalate to suicide
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
or damage by weapons.
In addition
, there are many
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 need to talk with a psychiatrist to cure
this
 kind of disease.
To conclude
, each view has advantages and disadvantages. In my opinion, being free to behave
outweigh
Correct subject-verb agreement
outweighs
show examples
 following
traditions
. individuals should be what they want without any hesitation because each person has the right to choose.
Lastly
, everybody needs to respect each other opinions.
Submitted by natthataphon on

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task response
Task Response: The essay addresses both views with adequate coverage, but the explanation and analysis could be more detailed. Make sure to fully delve into the pros and cons of each view. Your opinion is clear, but it would benefit from a stronger supporting argument.
coherence cohesion
Coherence and Cohesion: The logical structure of the essay is good, with a clear introduction and conclusion. However, the development of ideas within paragraphs lacks coherence. Work on providing clearer linkages between your supporting points and examples to improve cohesion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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