IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Many of the problems that people are experiencing in today’s world are due to the fact that we have a very sedentary lifestyle. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

In spite of the increasing
numbers
Fix the agreement mistake
number
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 of gyms and physical
fitness
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 centres, many
people
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 are involved in a way of living
that is
Linking Words
 sedentary in the modern world these days. In
this
Linking Words
 essay, I am going to elaborate on the
problems
Use synonyms
 related to
this
Linking Words
lifestyle
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 and give solutions.
Firstly
Linking Words
, a significant problem associated with leading an inactive
lifestyle
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 is the risk it poses to
health
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.
it
Fix capitalization
It
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 can result
into
Change preposition
in
show examples
 obesity
which
Punctuation problem
, which
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 is a major disadvantage.
Such
Linking Words
people
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 tend to deposit excessive fat in the body and
thus
Linking Words
causing
Wrong verb form
causes
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problems
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.
For example
Linking Words
, cancers that can be breast and other types of malignant tumours.
In addition
Linking Words
, they are prone to diabetes.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, it can cause depression because of isolation and poor social interaction combined with low mood, decreased muscle strength,
back related
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back-related
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problems
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 involving back pain and osteoarthritis
due to
Linking Words
 lack of exercise (bones tend to get weaker). To solve
this
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 problem,
government
Correct article usage
the government
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 can embark on campaigns to increase
the
Correct article usage
apply
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awareness and promote the benefits of an active
lifestyle
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. If more
people
Use synonyms
 are educated,
this
Linking Words
 will
in
Punctuation problem
, in
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turn
Punctuation problem
turn,
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 encourage them to take the extra steps needed to improve their
lifestyle
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.
Moreover
Linking Words
,
affordable
Correct article usage
an affordable
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 gym membership would go a long way in attracting
people
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 to engage in physical
fitness
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 activities,
thus
Linking Words
 improving their
health
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. Provision of
gym
Correct article usage
a gym
show examples
 in
work places
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workplaces
show examples
 to encourage employees to keep fit.
For instance
Linking Words
,
people
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 have to stay working for 8 to 12 hours on the computer in the workplace can have breaks at work (to participate in
fitness
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 activities) to reduce the sedentary hours spent in front of the screen. In conclusion,
due to
Linking Words
 advancement in technology in the modern days in which we live, there is an growing increase in the number of
people
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 living a sedentary
lifestyle
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 and
this
Linking Words
 has been found to be associated with
health
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problems
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 which can be avoided by encouraging
people
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 to do physical
fitness
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 activities through provision of affordable gym membership and
health
Use synonyms
 awareness campaign.

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grammar and structure
Use short, clear sentences. Fix small grammar errors and be precise with verbs and phrases.
structure
Shorten long lines. Each paragraph should have one main idea.
task response
Begin with a clear view in the intro and end with a brief restate of your view in the conclusion.
content
Add more precise facts or examples to back points, such as small data or steps you can take.
development
You show a plan: problems are listed and then fixes are given.
cohesion
You use linking words like First, Moreover, In conclusion to show order.
content
You discuss both health problems and work life, not only one side.
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