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Band 4.5

Governments spend millions of dollars each year on their space programs. Most recently, Mars is the focus of scientists attention. Some people think that this money would be better spent on dealing with problems closer to home.

#governments #millions #dollars #year #space #programs #focus #scientists #attention #people #money #home
Nowadays, exploring
space
 is becoming more and more popular among developed
countries
. They are ready to spend millions of dollars to collect information about stars, planets and galaxies.
And another
Correct word choice
Another
show examples
 reason, why they are ready to spend a huge amount of money is they are competing with each other, how was it between
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
show examples
 and
USSR
Correct article usage
the USSR
show examples
 in past
.
Change the punctuation
?
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 They wanted to be first in
space
 and on the Moon, but what were the benefits for ordinary people and
society
? Today, the
USA
 finances huge companies like NASA,
Space
 X and Virgin Galactic to construct and launch rockets and satellites. One of them is developing
space
 tourism, another one is exploring planets like Mars. But, most of the citizens of the
USA
 think, that it is a waste of time and money that does not bring any benefits to
society
. Meanwhile, the
society
 of the
USA
 has many
problems
such
 as unemployment, inflation and poverty.
Besides
 these
problems
, there are
also
 global
problems
such
 as global warming, deforestation, and air pollution. From my point of view, if developed
countries
 would pay attention to the
problems
 of the Earth,
instead
 of exploring Mars, it would bring more benefits than
space
programs
. But why they do not do that if it is very important for people and
society
? After all, governments should always take care of their people. One of the reasons, why they do not want to do
that is
 solving global
problems
 with pollution and deforestation is not profitable like
space
programs
. And solving these
problems
 would not
rise
Correct your spelling
raise
show examples
 their level of technological development as
space
programs
. Only a few
countries
 can explore
space
 and construct rockets. And each of them wants to be the
best
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
best. In conclusion, developed
countries
 will continue financing their
space
programs
instead
 of solving the
problems
 of the Earth. Because
this
 is the only reason to show another country your technological developments.
Although
, Earth's
problems
 require less money and time to solve.
Submitted by ddilxanov on

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task response
The essay addresses the prompt by discussing the allocation of funds to space programs instead of addressing problems on Earth. However, the essay lacks a clear position on the issue, and the arguments could be more focused.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is somewhat disorganized. The introduction presents the issue but lacks a clear thesis statement. Additionally, the conclusion does not effectively summarize the main points. The essay would benefit from stronger topic sentences and a better flow of ideas.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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