IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that women should be able to join their country's army and police forces. Others think that only men should be allowed to work in these areas. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

#people #women #country #army #police #forces #men #work #areas
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Nowadays, society
think
Change the verb form
thinks
show examples
 that
women
 can
also
 attend
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
an
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 army as well as police
departman
Correct your spelling
department
departments
 since so many people start to want gender equality
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
 everything.
However
, others believe that those are the works which
men
 can only
work
. In
this
 essay, I will discuss both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
views and give a logical conclusion. On the one hand,
women
's participation in those jobs
have
Change the verb form
has
show examples
 some beneficial effects.
To begin
 with, job opportunities for females will increase.
For instance
, in the modern world, girls can only
work
 in some companies and most of the time they get less salary than their male workmates. If the government let
women
work
 in
army
Correct article usage
the army
show examples
 and police forces, they can prove themselves and
finally
 get a good salary.
Consequently
, females' wages will increase all over the world and
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
single ones will live easier without a husband.
On the other hand
,
this
 trend has
some
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
certain cons, too.
First
 of all, only
men
 have been working in those professions for many years.
Therefore
, males are the only ones who can do
aforementioned
Correct article usage
the aforementioned
show examples
 jobs professionally.
Men
 gained a lot of
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 in the past years since they have seen plenty of wars as well as crimes. Even in the evolution theory, we can see that boys' psychology as well as bodies are formed for those careers and they are able to do them better than
women
.
As a result
, owing to males' special features and experience, it is better to leave these jobs for
men
. To put it in a nutshell, I pen down saying that it can be really useful for
women
's future life and career;
nonetheless
, it is very dangerous to give those
work
 to
women
 as it is risky and some humans die because of it. In my opinion, only
men
 must keep doing those things as in the past because it is less risky than trying new things.
Submitted by a.mammadzada on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: