IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

Many manufactured food and drink products contain high levels of sugar, which causes many health problems. Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#food #drink #products #levels #sugar #health #people
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Because of that, some produced foods and beverage products include high levels of
sugar
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, which impacts the crowd’s health badly. Many voices assert that carbohydrate prices must be higher to keep the community away from consuming them.
This
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 essay vehemently opposes
such
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 assertions and explains why.
To begin
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 with, there are some valid concerns about why increasing the price of
sugar
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 is not beneficial for families to prevent them from being unhealthy. The factor that influences folk to redesign their purchasing habits is not price but their perceptions. Even though consumers buy relatively less
sugar
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due to
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 an increase in the price, they continue to buy and use them in their meals in the long term.
For example
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, the Turkish government implemented new taxes on cigarettes in order to decrease cigarette consumption in the country. Unfortunately,
this
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 policy did not pay off since it slightly changed the nation’s purchasing frequency rather than altering
their
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its
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 awareness.
Moreover
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, the average cigarette consumption in Turkey is nearly the same compared to before the taxes.
Secondly
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, What makes the population less willing to buy
sugar
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 and avoid unhealthy consequences is to increase their awareness of undesired outcomes of
sugar
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.
Therefore
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, individuals slowly abandon to use of harmful products by having more knowledge about which product has positive or negative effects.
Thus
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, the conscious level of the public will rise.
Also
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, more effective and permanent outcomes will occur.
According to
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 an article in Public Health Magazine, In Japan, marketing campaigns that highlight the damage of used batteries to nature achieved to reduction in the rate of battery trash in public areas by 12%.

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task achievement
The task response is quite satisfactory, as you directly address the topic and provide a clear stance. However, make sure to elaborate more on your points and expand your arguments further. This would help to demonstrate a deeper engagement with the topic.
coherence cohesion
There is a logical structure to your essay, and it flows fairly well. However, you might improve your coherence and cohesion by using more transitional phrases to connect your ideas and paragraphs smoothly.
coherence cohesion
You have an introduction that sets up the thesis and body paragraphs that support it, but your conclusion needs to be more distinct and summarizing. Make sure to provide a clearer and more concise conclusion that reemphasizes your main points.
task achievement
Your introduction effectively introduces the topic and states your position clearly.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples to support your points, such as the Turkish government's policy on cigarettes and the marketing campaigns in Japan. This helps to illustrate your arguments well.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure, with distinct paragraphs for different points. This makes it easy to follow your argument and understand your logic.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • health problems
  • manufactured food and drink products
  • sugary products
  • excessive sugar consumption
  • discourage
  • promote
  • healthier choices
  • reduce
  • increased taxes
  • fund
  • health education
  • prevention programs
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