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Band 4

Some people think that watching TV causes weight problems in children. Do you agree with this view? What solution you can suggest to tackle children’s weight problem?

#people #tv #weight #children #children’s
Many
person
Change to a plural noun
people
show examples
 find the cause of children’s obesity in watching Tv. I think that watching
television
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not the primary cause of
weight
Correct article usage
the weight
show examples
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 of kids, but can be an issue if there is
an
Remove the article
apply
show examples
overtime in staring at it. In
this
 essay, I will give more detail on how extent I agree or disagree with
this
 affirmation and I will look for some solution to
weight
Correct your spelling
weigh
show examples
matter
Correct article usage
the matter
show examples
.
To begin
 with, I think the problem
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
is not
on
Change preposition
apply
show examples
just
mere
Change the word
merely
show examples
 watching the
television
, but the overtime passed on it. In fact, if a child pass too many hours in front of a technological dispositive, he will not have time to spend
in
Change preposition
on
show examples
 activities that could stimulate his metabolism. Nowadays, it is
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 rare
find
Fix the infinitive
to find
show examples
 kids of 4-5 years
which
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 already know how to use
properly
Replace the word
proper
show examples
 technology,
this
 happens because more often parents leave them staring at the machinery, to
having
Wrong verb form
have
show examples
 some more time for themselves.
Besides
, I think that another reason why child
gain
Change the verb form
gains
show examples
weight
 is the
constantly
Change the adverb
constant
show examples
 presence of fast food on the territory. Eating there is faster,
therefore
 in a daily routine where we are all busy with jobs and other activities, lead
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 to eat there,
instead
 of thinking of a salutary diet, causing
weight
 issue,
such
 as obesity. So, I can say that I agree
on
Change preposition
with
show examples
 that statement, which say that watching
television
 bring
weight
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
, but I can not totally agree because it is not the only reason. Finding a solution, I can suggest
to teach
Change the verb form
teaching
show examples
 to
child
Add an article
the child
a child
show examples
 to
eating
Wrong verb form
eat
show examples
 salutary and having some
hobby
Fix the agreement mistake
hobbies
show examples
 different from just using machinery and watching
television
,
such
 as make sport,
for
example
Add the comma(s)
,example
show examples
 swimming.
Furthermore
, I believe that even the government should address
this
 issue, prompt more activities on the territory,
such
 as group games and limit
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
eating at fast food under a certain age. To conclude, I’m firmly convinced that
bot
Correct your spelling
both
show examples
 parents and government act
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
regulate
Change the verb form
regulating
show examples
 gain
weight
, kids could be healthier.
Submitted by frinfri93 on

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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