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Writing Samples
Band 5

Most modern families have both parents working and as a result children spend less less time with their parents. What is the reason for this? What problems can this cause?

In modern-day societies, it is necessary for adults to be at work for an increasing
amount
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number
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 of hours.
Therefore
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, the leisure time that
parents
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 can spend with their
children
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is
Verb problem
has
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 declined steadily.
This
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 essay will examine the causes of
this
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 new reality
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along
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, along
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 with the difficulties that modern
families
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 are facing. Two main factors, namely exorbitant living costs and the desire for personal development, have led
parents
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 to be more
in
Correct word choice
involved in
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 their working environment, rather than stay with their
children
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. First of all, nowadays, raising
children
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 demands a huge amount of money for a variety of things,
such
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 as their education and leisure time activities. So, it is impossible to get by on a single salary and allow one of the two spouses to be constantly at home, taking care of the household.
Furthermore
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, it is an imperative need for adults to achieve their goals and become successful in the job market, and to achieve
that
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that,
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 they choose to stay at work for more than they have to or even continue working from home. All these reasons keep them from spending enough time with their
children
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.
This
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 new reality causes a plethora of problems to modern households, especially to the bonds that
parents
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 have with their offspring and to the development of
children
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's character.
For example
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, many pieces of research have proved that adolescents
,
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apply
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 who did not spend many hours with their
parents
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 during their childhood
,
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apply
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 are more likely to become boisterous and perform poorly at school.
Moreover
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, they are usually
characterized
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characterised
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 as dysfunctional
,
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;
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 offspring are too independent and do not have the usual
acquaintance
Fix the agreement mistake
acquaintances
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that
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is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 observed in other
families
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. In conclusion, it is a matter of great importance for
parents
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 to have a job to provide for their
families
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 and
also
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 be content with themselves.
This
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 essay examined how these reasons decrease the number of hours that they spend at home and the difficulties that modern-day
families
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 and kids are facing
due to
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this
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 situation.

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weakness
The essay answers the task but needs a clearer link from each cause to what it causes. Add a short line in each paragraph to show how cost or want to grow leads to less time with kids.
tip
Each paragraph should have one clear main idea. Start with a simple sentence that states the idea and end with a line that connects to the task.
tip
Some words look not very simple. Use common words from the top 100. For example, use needs or want instead of words like imperative or boisterous.
grammar
Fix the repeated ‘less less’ to ‘less time’.
tip
Give one or two real or clear examples to show each point, even simple ones.
strength
Clear plan and two parts: causes and effects
strength
Thesis and outline are clear
strength
Try to link ideas well and stay on task
improvement
With simple words and more exact examples, score can rise
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