IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4.5

Some people think that government is responsible for the rise in obesity in children. Do you agree or disagree? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

It became a globally discussed issue that
authority
Fix the agreement mistake
authorities
show examples
 have a big responsibility for the increase in overweight children. I totally disagree with
this
Linking Words
 idea
and
Punctuation problem
, and
show examples
 in the forthcoming paragraphs, I shall discuss my point of view.
To begin
Linking Words
,
parents
Use synonyms
 are the principal responsible for
Use synonyms
kids
Check wording
their children
show examples
according to
Linking Words
 the law,
that's
Use the right word
that is
show examples
 why they need to establish a healthy diet for them .
For example
Linking Words
, in my childhood, my
parents
Use synonyms
 were very strict with me to eat healthy food and
practicing
Replace the word
practice
show examples
 sports even though I didn't like those kinds of meals.
Moreover
Linking Words
, folks' homes need to be the perfect example for their
kids
Use synonyms
 because youngster always imitates their
parents
Use synonyms
.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, mothers need to cook balanced food at home and avoid fast food because that will make their
kids
Use synonyms
 love to eat at home.
In addition
Linking Words
, they need to have some creative ideas that will make youngsters excited to eat it
Linking Words
such
Punctuation problem
, such
show examples
 as
,
Punctuation problem
apply
show examples
 designing meals like
the
Correct pronoun usage
their
show examples
 favourite
cartons
Use the right word
cartoons
show examples
 or superheroes, and adding some colourful fruits.
Linking Words
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
 addition,
parents
Use synonyms
 should practise sports with their children to avoid
obesity
Use synonyms
 problems and establish a healthy lifestyle for
kids
Use synonyms
. A study published in
the new york
Fix capitalization
The New York
show examples
 Times showed that 80% of families who practice sports at weekends with their
kids
Use synonyms
 are not facing
obesity
Use synonyms
 problems for them and for
Use synonyms
kids
Correct pronoun usage
their kids
show examples
.
in
Fix capitalization
In
show examples
 conclusion, I disagreed that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
 is responsible for
kids
Use synonyms
'
obesity
Use synonyms
.
In contrast
Linking Words
, I believe that
parents
Use synonyms
 are in charge of their
kid's
Check wording
kids'
show examples
 lifestyles and
healthy
Replace the word
health
show examples
Linking Words
however
Punctuation problem
; however
show examples
 government should make people aware of the
obesity
Use synonyms
 problem
end
Check wording
apply
show examples
.

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structure
Plan your essay in 3 parts: intro, body with 2 or 3 points, and end.
coherence
Use clear links. Words like first, also, but, and finally help you move ideas.
grammar
Keep sentences short. Avoid long runs. Punctuation should be neat.
content
Give more proof for your ideas. If you say parents fix meals, add a small fact or simple result.
task
Stay with the task. Say why you think the government is or is not to blame and end with a clear view.
stance
The writer states a clear view against government blame.
structure
Intro and conclusion exist.
content
Some personal example is shown.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • policies
  • responsibility
  • health and well-being
  • education and awareness programs
  • childhood obesity
  • food advertising and labeling
  • unhealthy food
  • supportive environments
  • recreational facilities
  • collaboration
  • healthcare providers
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