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Band 4

The percentage of overweight children in western society has increased by almost 20% in the last ten years. Discuss the causes and effects of this disturbing trend.”

#percentage #children #society #ten #years #effects #trend
A number of western countries suffer from
children
's
obesity
 problems. It has increased by almost 20% since 2012. The reason why overweight
children
 in western society
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 increased is
becuase
Correct your spelling
because
 sodium and fat consumption has
been
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
increased.
Obesity
 can cause serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
children
. Research from the University of Utah illustrates 80% of overweight
children
 suffer
childhood
Change preposition
from childhood
show examples
obesity
.
Also
,
Dr.
Change the punctuation
Dr
show examples
 John Doe,
professor
Correct article usage
a professor
show examples
of
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the University of Lahore speak most of
Add an article
the Pakish
show examples
Pakish
Correct your spelling
Parish
 overweight
children
 will suffer
diabetes
Change preposition
from diabetes
show examples
 and cancer in the future.
Also
Add a comma
,Also
show examples
obesity
 can be
spreaded
Correct your spelling
spread
show examples
 to
another
Correct quantifier usage
other
show examples
 family members. When
Correct article usage
a son
show examples
son
Fix the agreement mistake
sons
show examples
 or
daughter
Fix the agreement mistake
daughters
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
households
Fix the agreement mistake
household
show examples
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
 facing
obesity
, the number of their parents and siblings face
obesity
 together. The Seoul National Universities' researchers researched 60% of South Korean overweighted younger's parents and siblings suffer
obesity
Change preposition
from obesity
show examples
 together. It is why
obesity
 harms our societies.
Thus
, how can
children
 not face
obesity
?
First
 of all, they should avoid
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
high
Add a hyphen
high-calorie
show examples
calorie
foods
.
High
Add a hyphen
High-calorie
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calorie
foods
, especially
the
Correct article usage
apply
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fast food, can make our bodies easily
overweighted
Wrong verb form
overweight
show examples
. By avoiding
high
Add a hyphen
high-calorie
show examples
calorie
foods
, the danger will decrease rapidly.
Second
,
children
 should avoid
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
sodium and intake
Kalium
Change preposition
of Kalium
show examples
. Kalium
help
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helps
show examples
 our body to outtake sodium easily so that our body cannot be overweight easily.
Also
,
parent's
Fix the agreement mistake
parents'
show examples
 abilities are most important to save their kids from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
obesity
. Moms and dads should take care of
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
neutrition
Correct your spelling
nutrition
. By taking care of
childrens'
Change noun form
children's
show examples
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
, the danger of
obesity
 will decrease rapidly. In conclusion,
overweight
Add a missing verb
being overweight
show examples
 and
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 cause serious
disease
Fix the agreement mistake
diseases
show examples
to
Change preposition
in
show examples
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
children
a child
show examples
children
.
Children
 should avoid
themselves
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
high
Add a hyphen
high-calorie
show examples
calorie
foods
 and parents should take care of their kids from
danger
Add an article
the danger
show examples
 of
obesity
.
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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • overweight
  • obesity
  • caloric intake
  • sedentary lifestyle
  • screen time
  • physical education
  • nutritious
  • psychological well-being
  • self-esteem
  • socioeconomic
  • healthcare system
  • life expectancy
  • obesity-related complications
What to do next:
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