IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this affect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

#shops #supermarkets #area #affect #communities #situation
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There are many local
vendors
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 which are not big enough and cannot beat big
supermalls
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 in terms of
competition
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,
as a consequence
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 local
vendors
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left
Wrong verb form
leave
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 the
market
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. Large markets took advantage of less
competition
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as well as
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 posed a big threat to financially sound local communities.
Firstly
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, introducing large markets makes modern busy life easier but
on the other hand
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 in
market
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competition
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 supermarkets suppress the local
shops
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.
Therefore
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, different categories of
vendors
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 cannot carry their small businesses in the long run.
Supermalls
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 are mostly doing business in different areas but their origin is mostly from other parts of the country or world.
As a result
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, those malls are not ethically bound to ameliorate the areas they are doing business. On the other ,hand if local
vendors
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 can continue
then
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 local communities will
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
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 in future. As an example, India supports their country brands at most and takes required actions to limit the scope of other
supermalls
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. Another example is in Bangladesh individuals mostly tend to buy from small
shops
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other
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rather
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 than pay for large
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market's
Change noun form
market
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products
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. Local people need to come forward and lend a hand to support their local
shops
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 by buying
products
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 from them.
Secondly
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,
Supermalls
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 create an uncompetitive
market
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 which thrives on gaining profit without any big
competition
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. Sometimes the
products
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 they offer are costly and keep some limited
products
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 they prefer as consumers have no other option than to buy from them. A smooth , economic
market
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 needs healthy
competition
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 to bring the best quality product and reach out to the customers. For example, in
India
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India,
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 people
stand
Wrong verb form
stood
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 for their local brand "Thumsup" when "
Coca-cola
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Coca-Cola
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" entered the
market
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. They keep their beliefs high for that reason "
Coca-cola
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Coca-Cola
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" could not become a
market
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 giant and create a good
market
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 for other local soft drinks as well.
To conclude
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, consumers have to show concern for their brands,
shops
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,
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products
Correct word choice
and products
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 no matter how small those are,
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otherwise
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otherwise,
show examples
market
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 giants will push away all small competitors and build their own empires.
Submitted by Sadiq on

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coherence cohesion
The essay addresses the main points, but the structure could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.
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The essay presents relevant ideas with examples but lacks in providing a complete response to the task.

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To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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