IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 4

Many small, local shops are closing as they are unable to compete with large supermarkets in the area. How does this affect local communities? How could this situation be improved?

#shops #supermarkets #area #affect #communities #situation
There are many local
vendors
 which are not big enough and cannot beat big
supermalls
 in terms of
competition
,
as a consequence
 local
vendors
left
Wrong verb form
leave
show examples
 the
market
. Large markets took advantage of less
competition
as well as
 posed a big threat to financially sound local communities.
Firstly
, introducing large markets makes modern busy life easier but
on the other hand
 in
market
competition
 supermarkets suppress the local
shops
.
Therefore
, different categories of
vendors
 cannot carry their small businesses in the long run.
Supermalls
 are mostly doing business in different areas but their origin is mostly from other parts of the country or world.
As a result
, those malls are not ethically bound to ameliorate the areas they are doing business. On the other ,hand if local
vendors
 can continue
then
 local communities will
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 in future. As an example, India supports their country brands at most and takes required actions to limit the scope of other
supermalls
. Another example is in Bangladesh individuals mostly tend to buy from small
shops
other
Correct your spelling
rather
show examples
 than pay for large
market's
Change noun form
market
show examples
products
. Local people need to come forward and lend a hand to support their local
shops
 by buying
products
 from them.
Secondly
,
Supermalls
 create an uncompetitive
market
 which thrives on gaining profit without any big
competition
. Sometimes the
products
 they offer are costly and keep some limited
products
 they prefer as consumers have no other option than to buy from them. A smooth , economic
market
 needs healthy
competition
 to bring the best quality product and reach out to the customers. For example, in
India
Add a comma
India,
show examples
 people
stand
Wrong verb form
stood
show examples
 for their local brand "Thumsup" when "
Coca-cola
Correct your spelling
Coca-Cola
show examples
" entered the
market
. They keep their beliefs high for that reason "
Coca-cola
Correct your spelling
Coca-Cola
show examples
" could not become a
market
 giant and create a good
market
 for other local soft drinks as well.
To conclude
, consumers have to show concern for their brands,
shops
,
products
Correct word choice
and products
show examples
 no matter how small those are,
otherwise
Add a comma
otherwise,
show examples
market
 giants will push away all small competitors and build their own empires.
Submitted by Sadiq on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay addresses the main points, but the structure could be improved for better coherence and cohesion.
task achievement
The essay presents relevant ideas with examples but lacks in providing a complete response to the task.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: