IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Parents should encourage children to spend less time on studying and more time on doing physical activities. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

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Parents
Use synonyms
 are the first teacher and they always want the best for their children.
Linking Words
Although some
Correct word choice
Some
show examples
 people argue that
parents
Use synonyms
 should be supportive of their children and encourage them to pay more attention
on doing
Verb problem
to
show examples
 physical play
instead
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 of studying. I will illustrate the reasons for
this
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 statement in the following paragraphs and explain my disagreement.
Firstly
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, in today's fast-paced world, not only adults but adolescents find it difficult to spend a few minutes out of their hectic schedule to exercise or to play outside.
For example
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, in
this
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 competitive era, juveniles are always studying and after school, they are
also
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 attending
extra curriculum
Correct your spelling
extracurricular
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 classes to achieve good grades in school so, they can
get
Verb problem
apply
show examples
enrol in the best university and get a well-paid job in the future.
However
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, they are sacrificing their childhood.
On the other hand
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, guardians should inspire their kids to do physical exercise because obesity is one of the prominent health issues among teenagers.
Moreover
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, they should teach their loved ones to balance their studies and physical activities.
Hence
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,
this
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 would help them to develop time-management skills.
Nonetheless
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, some people think that
parents
Use synonyms
 should encourage their kids to spend more to
work
Wrong verb form
working
show examples
 out rather than studying.
For instance
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, if children start to pay more attention towards playing
then
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, maybe they
would
Wrong verb form
will
show examples
 not perform well in class. Because, education is the major important aspect of being successful, if we have knowledge about any topic we can easily achieve that goal.
To conclude
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, there are some pros and cons of spending more time playing physical games than acquiring knowledge.
Therefore
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,
parents
Use synonyms
 should support their child's dream and motivate them to achieve that career in which they are confident and interested. After a thorough analysis of
this
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 subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of
this
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 statement over the positive impacts will be greater because
lastly
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 the child's satisfaction matters.

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task response
Your essay effectively presents a clear stance on the issue and provides comprehensive ideas. However, ensure that you fully address all aspects of the task question, taking into consideration opposing views and presenting a balanced argument.
coherence and cohesion
Your essay demonstrates logical sequencing and adequate support for the main points. To improve coherence, ensure that the ideas and arguments are presented in a more organized manner with clear transitions between paragraphs.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Physical activity
  • Development
  • Concentration
  • Obesity
  • Burnout
  • Sedentary lifestyle
  • Healthy lifestyle
  • Intellectual development
  • Structured activities
  • Teamwork
  • Leadership
  • Sedentary behavior
  • Tech addiction
  • Role models
  • Family bonds
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