Schools should put more emphasis on sport and exercise, while others believe that schools should focus on science subjects. Discuss both sides and give your opinion.

In the present day, education authorities often debate what
subjects
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schools should prioritise.
While
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some argue that more emphasis should be placed on
sports
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and physical activity, others believe that
science
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subjects
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are more important. From my perspective, both areas are equally vital in developing a student’s
overall
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personality, as explained below. On the one hand, obesity and sedentary lifestyles are rising concerns among children today.
Therefore
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, promoting
sports
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and regular exercise is essential for maintaining physical and mental health. Participating in
sports
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can boost cardiovascular fitness and cognitive function. It
also
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helps children learn important values
such
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as teamwork, empathy, and discipline.
Furthermore
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,
sports
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can boost self-confidence and reveal hidden talents.
For instance
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, many national-level athletes are discovered through school competitions, where they are given a chance to represent their country.
Thus
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, schools play a critical role in identifying and nurturing these talents.
On the other hand
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,
science
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subjects
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are the foundation for many academic and professional careers. Lessons in biology, physics, and chemistry provide
students
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with essential knowledge for understanding the world around them.
For example
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, learning about the human body, natural phenomena, or chemical reactions can develop analytical thinking and memory skills.
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, exposure to scientific innovations in school encourages
students
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to keep up with technological advancements and global research. In conclusion, both physical education and
science
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subjects
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are necessary for well-rounded student development.
Therefore
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, I suggest that
science
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subjects
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be scheduled for the morning, when
students
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are more alert,
while
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physical education can be conducted in the afternoon.
This
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balance ensures
students
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benefit both mentally and physically from their schooling.

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task response
Your introduction clearly introduces both sides of the argument and states your opinion, which is good. However, you could make your opinion clearer earlier on in the introduction.
coherence and cohesion
The structure of your essay is logical, with clear paragraphs for each main point. Try to link some ideas more clearly between sentences for even better flow.
task response
You provided relevant examples, but adding a few more specific examples could strengthen your points. For instance, mention a specific sport or a scientific breakthrough.
task achievement
You clearly express your opinion and maintain a balanced view of the topic, which shows good understanding of both perspectives.
coherence and cohesion
Your use of clear paragraphs makes it easy to follow your argument, which is very helpful for the reader.
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