IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 4

Many people say that we now live in consumer societies where money and possessions are given too much importance. Others believe that consumer culture has played a vital role in improving our lives. Disscuss both views and give your opinion

#people #consumer #societies #money #possessions #importance #culture #role #lives #disscuss
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These days plenty of people
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
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disagree with consumerism and the importance of
money
 in our lives while others consider it as a chance for progress. It is not deniable that competitive living plays a key role in development but in my point of view it’s better to have a balance between
this
 and other aspects of
life
. Giving too much importance to
money
 and possessions will take happiness away
in
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for
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 a long time. Since
materialistic
Correct article usage
a materialistic
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 outlook
encourage
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encourages
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 people to compete for
having
Unnecessary verb
apply
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more and more.
The
Correct article usage
Life
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life
 is too mechanical and people are similar to robots which produce
money
. They just have a daily routine from home to work and
this
 futile cycle will lead to serious physical and spiritual problems because due to the lack of free time, regular exercise, healthy homemade cousins and
also
 leisure activities are mostly ignored.
On the other hand
, Consumerism culture plays a crucial role in people’s progress.
This
 attitude led to competition. What I mean is that they Generally compare their possession with others and try to
fulfill
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fulfil
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 their dreams. So,
this
 process acts as a motivator in their
life
. Because if they were satisfied, they would never try for having more
money
. It can be considered
as
Change preposition
apply
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a plus point for improvement and luxurious
life
. It’s a fact that the more
money
 you have, the more comfortable you would be. As a matter of fact, these days
money
 has a great deal of importance in our lives and its effect on our improvement is not deniable. But we must
mange
Correct your spelling
manage
show examples
 our time in order to have a decent proportion between working hours and other aspects of
life
 to be able to achieve
money
 plus happiness.
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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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