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Band 4.5

Today People are no longer active and fit as they use to be due to the nature of work nowadays, What are the causes of this? What solutions can you proffer

#people #nature #work
Nowadays a number of
people
 around the world do not active and exercise due to their work. When
people
 do not exercise, they can be
overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
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 easily and most
overweighted
Replace the word
overweight
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people
 face
obesity
 soon as possible. Not only fat, but
obesity
 can cause
another disease
Fix the agreement mistake
other diseases
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. The most disease that overweight
people
 face is
diabetes
.
Diabetes
 causes a serious problem to our
health
 and it leads to death if there is no medical treatment. According to research from
Dr.
Change the punctuation
Dr
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 Jane Doe,
professor
Correct article usage
a professor
show examples
of
Change preposition
at
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 London South Bank University, insists that 66% of
people
 who suffer from
obesity
also
has
Correct subject-verb agreement
have
show examples
diabetes
.
Overweighted
Replace the word
Overweight
show examples
people
 should take care of their
health
 to prevent
the
Change the article
apply
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diabetes
.
Also
, less
exercising
Replace the word
exercise
show examples
 can cause mental diseases like depression. From the research from
Dr.
Change the punctuation
Dr
show examples
 John Doe and his colleagues
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 Seoul National University, the main reason for mental diseases and depression is a lack of exercise and outdoor
activities
.
Furthermore
, nowadays
children
 do not enjoy outdoor
activities
, like
a soccer
Remove the article
soccer
a game of soccer
show examples
 or hide-an-seek. Playing outside is most important to
children
 because outdoor
activities
 affect their mental and physical
health
. Parents should take care of their sons and daughters to hang out with friends. Playing outside can make them more healthy and allow them to make
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
new friends. In conclusion, activating outside is important to well-being.
Also
, exercising outdoors allows
Change preposition
for to
show examples
to prevent
Change the verb form
preventing
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a
Change preposition
of a
show examples
number of diseases, especially
obesity
 and depression. Outdoor
activities
 for
children
 are most important to their mental and physical
health
. Parents should take care of their
children
 to hang out frequently.
Submitted by soominkim0618 on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • inactive
  • fitness
  • workplace
  • technology-dependent
  • physical activity
  • fast-paced
  • stressful
  • unhealthy
  • eating habits
  • motivation
  • time constraints
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