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Band 4.5

Many manufacturd food and drinks contain high levels of sugar,which causes many health problems.Sugary products should be made more expensive to encourage people to consume less sugar. Do you agree or disagree?

#manufacturd #food #drinks #levels #sugar #health #products #people
Nowadays, some sicknesses are due to excessive
sugar
 in manufactured
food
 and beverage. It is claimed that the
prize
Correct your spelling
price
show examples
 of these items must be raised in order to
boycutt
Correct your spelling
boycott
 people from buying. While in my perspective, I strongly agree with
this
 suggestion . Some elaborate reasons as well as my thought will be highlighted in the write-up. One primary reason is that from psychology aspect , when people are facing various selections in
Add an article
the supermarket
a supermarket
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supermarket
Fix the agreement mistake
supermarkets
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 or
convenient
Replace the word
convenience
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 stores , they tend to choose those which have lower
prize
Fix the agreement mistake
prizes
show examples
 or
discount
Fix the agreement mistake
discounts
show examples
.
By selling
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Selling
show examples
high sugared
Add a hyphen
high-sugared
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 drinks or
food
in
Change preposition
at
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 a relatively expensive
prize
Correct your spelling
price
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definately
Correct your spelling
definitely
 help reduce
sale
Correct article usage
the sale
show examples
 figure.For
those healthy beverage
Change the determiner
that healthy beverage
those healthy beverages
show examples
such
 as soil milk and
yogurt
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yoghurt
show examples
, the
prize
Correct your spelling
price
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 can be lower to reflect the over-
prize
 unhealthy drinks. On the other side of the coin ,
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
those who argued that increasing the
prize
Correct your spelling
price
show examples
 is unnecessary .
Since for those
Change preposition
Those
show examples
 people who can't live without
sugar
 , tend to neglect the
prize
Correct your spelling
price
show examples
although
 they have the concept that too much
sugar
japordize
Correct your spelling
jeopardize
 our physical health .
However
 , due to the uprising
Correct your spelling
number
numer
Correct your spelling
number
 of diabetes mellitus
patient
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patients
show examples
 in the country , I still suggest the
food
 or
dinks
Correct your spelling
drinks
show examples
 which provide high
sugar
 content should be sold
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
Correct article usage
a mor
show examples
mor
Correct your spelling
more
 expensive
prize
Correct your spelling
price
show examples
. By
ways
Fix the agreement mistake
way
show examples
 of conclusion , it seems that whether to make
manufacturd
Correct your spelling
manufactured
food
 and drinks which contain high levels of
sugar
 pricey is a double-edged sword .
Nevertheless
, in my perspective , what is
more
Add the comma(s)
,more
show examples
 crucial
comparing
Wrong verb form
compared
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 to short
desire
Fix the agreement mistake
desires
show examples
 is our health . Hopefully, Taiwan can take
this
 issue
as
Change preposition
into
show examples
 consideration.
Submitted by nanatsui on

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For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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